In the Middle of His Will

Cousins...

2010-03-04T13:40:00.004-06:00

We put Joshua next to Iris and he grabbed her hand without any prompting from us. It was the sweetest thing. Hopefully Joshua will be a sensitive boy - we know he's definitely a flirt with the ladies at church.

Joshua looks like the supersized version of little Iris

He just was so intrigued by her. He just kept looking at her. I can't wait to see them play together as they get older.

The longest roadtrip, 36" of Snow and Sister time

2010-02-08T13:20:00.003-06:00

My little sister had her little girl, Iris May, January 28th. She was just perfect. Unfortunately little Iris had to come home with a Billy Blanket to help her jaundice.I forgot how little and light 7lbs is. She's just like a little baby doll. Kelly is doing such a good job.

My dad, step mom Brenda, Joshua and I loaded into their minivan at 8pm on Friday night and drove 14HOURS through a snow storm to go and meet Iris and help Kelly any way we could. For the most part - Joshua slept through the night and he did really well. Unfortunately, I cannot sleep in cars so after we go there I was exhausted!!!!! And my child was very well rested. The trip is supposed to take 10 hours but since Snowmegedon - as they were calling it. The most snow Pittsburgh had gotten in 10 years - and yep we decided to drive in it.When we got there - my sister Christi (who lives in LA) had flown in for the birth of Iris was still there and we got to spend an extended visit since no flights were leaving PA until Tuesday.I don't get to talk to Christi much since she works way too much to live in LA and when she's not working - she's at the beach or doing fun stuff like being on a Food Network Cupcake Wars...lol. It was nice to really get to talk to her and spend some quality time with her.
Everyone was OVERWHELMED at how big Joshua had gotten in 2 months. He got many nicknames from this trip... one being "Moose." He's getting so big and will be 5 months in two days - I can't believe it. He's been a little fussy this trip but he's out of his element and not on his schedule - I hope that we can get back on it soon when we get home.Here's some quality sister time and time with "Oba" -which is the name Christi is being called instead of Aunt Christi.

Getting Big....

2010-02-07T13:14:00.003-06:00

I am sorry it's been so long - but I've been a little busy. Joshua is getting so big and he keeps me busy not to mention I'm trying to work odds and ends here and there. Oh yeah, and I am fighting a falsified claim on my unemployment ruling - which said I quit last job - in which I was let go. So, needless to say I am shoulder deep in paperwork and trying to fight for my appeal.

Here's some pictures of Joshua being a big boy and sitting up in the chair all by himself.There's no doubt about it....he's a red head

Umbrellas given during the storms of life

2010-01-22T13:02:00.003-06:00

A year ago today, my life changed in a way I had not imagined. It began some of the hardest days of my life. I was 5 weeks pregnant and lost my job at a place I adored and felt like I spent time with family each day. Prior to losing my job, I had met with my pastor about my uncertainity at my job since I was being met with about my performance - which before that I felt like I was doing well and it was reinforced by my direct supervisor. Anyways.....My pastor gave me a book "A Tale of Three Kings: A studying in brokenness" by Gene Edwards. I now understand why he gave it to me and I wish I would have read it a year ago. I didn't get around to it due to school, trying to find a job, finding a HORRIBLE job and surviving it. This book is an easy read! I truly appreciated what it taught me and how I was given an umbrella for the storms now and to come. I recommend this book to anyone who really wants to grow in the Lord. The back cover describes this book as a study in brokenness, submission and authority.

I hope you will check it out!

Joshua's New Swing

2010-01-20T15:13:00.003-06:00

This is Joshua's new swing. It is bringing him hours of naps and me hours of silence in order to get things done around the house. This little swing is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. Before Joshua had a small travel swing. It did not go very fast and it didn't go high. His sitter, during school, insisted that he loved her swing - but he didn't care for the swing at home so we finally came to the conclusion that our swing just wasn't doing it for him.

It's an automatic difference. He loves it. I am kind of jealous. I want a swing this nice. Can you imagine what a sing like this for adults would be like...first of all it would be probably the size of my office...lol. Anyways, this swing is making everyone in the Schindler household very happy. Thank you Grandma Brenda for buying it for us.

College T's

2010-01-19T11:40:00.003-06:00

I was wondering....how long do you keep your old college T-shirts. I have TONS of old college T-shirts from all my time participating in campus activities, sorority functions and even the free T-shirt given by vendors and such. They are OLD. I graduated in 2000 - 10 years ago. And I know how silly I look sporting a shirt with 1996 Mizzou Homecoming, but they are just so darn comfortable.

I do have many that have small holes in them and at one point I was going to make a quilt out of all of them so I could still have the memories but not be able to weart them to the gym. Now I have to admit - I don't wear these shirts out of the house much, they are usually my night shirts. Michael is really lobbying hard for me to get rid of them. I know I should but how do I replenish my T-shirts. I will be getting rid of 80% of my T-shirts when I get rid of all my college shirts. I know that there are grown-up options for gym wear and lounging around the house - but I don't have the money to completely replenish my causual wear to plain T-shirs and printed T's from Old Navy, etc.

So what's a girl to do? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and whether or not you are still holding on to your college memories through your old T-shirts?

Our new talent

2010-01-14T21:41:00.001-06:00

He's Calling Grandma

2010-01-14T19:58:00.004-06:00

I know that one day he will actually say this to me and call Nina, Grammy, or Grandma. They can't wait for this to happen....

Christmas Baby or Chippendale

2010-01-14T19:56:00.004-06:00

So my mom gave me this bib. I put Joshua in them and didn't realize he kind of looks like Chris Farley as a Chippendale....LOL.

Two Lovies+ a Passie + a Swing = A Sleeping Baby

2010-01-13T21:09:00.001-06:00

He is so funny. He double fists his lovies and puts them up to his face and will fall asleep. The funny thing is he has to have both - one won't do it. My son is one funny kid. I am still trying to keep his thumb out of his mouth.

Our little Fish...or Water Spaz..same difference

2010-01-13T19:55:00.001-06:00

Look What I Did...

2010-01-12T20:50:00.002-06:00

So I am trying to be more productive when Joshua is napping. I didn't realize how ambitious I was being when I decided to try and put the exersaucer together. I am usually very able and capable of putting things together - this had more pieces than I was prepared for. I did get it done though, with only a few choice words. But here is the contraption that will possibly drive me crazy and give me moments at sanity (all wrapped up in one).

Aren't we a BIG BOY: Eating with a Spoon

2010-01-12T19:54:00.003-06:00

So we started eating with a spoon today - or attempted to eat with a spoon today. He did pretty well. He did learn that he can spit out his food and I don't like it - so he kept doing it. Kids...there's no doubt we are born sinners - lol.

Love the bib...it says "Spit Happens"

This is Joshua's look of "I don't know about this...?"

Bumbo Time

2010-01-11T19:54:00.003-06:00

So we're getting used to the Bumbo. Our first time putting him in it - he was happy for all of 10 seconds. He's grown to tolerate it for around 10 minutes. So we are making progress. I am, however, worried that he won't be able to fit into in a few weeks - if he keeps gaining weight like he has been. He already gets stuck in it...lol.

Everything goes right in the mouth these days. And we've mastered the ability switch items from one hand to the other.

It takes him a little while to get used to it....balance is a learned I guess.

He loves pulling things off his tray. He is really grabbing at things well.

4 Months

2010-01-10T20:45:00.004-06:00

Our little man is getting quite big. He can touch each side of the crib. We went to the pediatricians today. Dr. Ayers says that he is looking good. She wants him to be rolling over by 5 months - so we're on a mission to get him to rollover.

He's started consisting sleeping 9-11 hours per night. We still have some nights were we have random wakeup calls at 3am but they are fewer and fewer. With the suggestion of a good mom friend, we changed his feeding schedule back to 6oz every 3 hours. This has eliminated him waking up at 5am. Our last bottle we up'ed him on his last bottle to 8 oz with 3 tbsp of cereal. Dr. Ayers has given him the green light for cereal twice a day and working towards his first solid foods in two weeks - but I think we are going to wait until he turns 5 months. There are no reasons to rush - right?

His stats:

Weight - 16 lbs 1.5oz (80 percentile)

Length - 24 in. (30 percentile)

Head - 42 cm (50 percentile)

So he's short and round... just like his mama...I hope he's going to grown taller soon. We're still in 0-3 months but wearing some 3-6 months.

He can touch each side of the crib now - I can't believe how big he's gotten.

Gumbo is looking smaller and smaller.

Just another reason why we are continuing to swaddle - he's hurting himself in his sleep these days. We can't leave him alone for a minute. He looks like he has 1/2 of a mustache.

Miracles do happen -

2010-01-07T12:11:00.003-06:00

This past semester was challenging to say the least. I started the semester and after 3 classes, I was a mom. I took one week off of classes - since my mom was with us for 2 weeks, I skipped the Tuesday right after we had Joshua. I even took Joshua with me to class after my mom left. He did really well and slept through the class and then the magic ran out and I had to start taking him to the sitters.

I started the semester with 6 credit hours: OT History and Theology (3 hrs - weekly class), God's world mission - online class (2 hrs), Adult Children of Divorce (1 hr. weekend class). I ended up dropping the online class - because by the time I had Joshua, I was WAY BEHIND! I picked up another 1 hr weekend class. Leaving me at 5 hours.

For those of you who do not know, my old testatment class had roughly 200 pages a week of reading of text and bible. It was insane!!! And then on top of that we had a paper, 2 tests, and a 50 page journal on 25 books of the bible in the old testatment.

During the semester - Michael was gone for a full 3 weeks on business trips. Which made getting homework done a real challenge. I also was looking for employment since my previous employer let me know in my 6th week of maternity leave -they were not having me come back - wonderful! So needless to say, It was a stressful semester.

I took time off from youth group, my bible study, and pretty much everything except being a mom, wife and student. I had braced myself for my first C's in seminary. I really felt great if I was able to get C's with the chaos of the semester.

Today I checked my grades, I couldn't believe my eyes. MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. I got straight A's, 1 - A-, 2 A's . INSANE - I might not being modest... I didn't turn in A work. My professors applied some serious mercy and grace to my grades. I can't even believe it. Thank you for everyone who prayed for me!!! I really appreciate it. It just makes me feel good that I survived.

I am taking the semester off, because last semester really did a number on me, my marriage, and Joshua. I will be returning Fall 2010 and will be graduating (hopefully) May 2011. It is crazy to think that the finish is in sight and is coming soon. I just hope I can get a job after I graduate.

Where is Happiest Place on Earth?

2010-01-07T11:32:00.007-06:00

Most people would say...Disneyland, right now - some might say - anywhere where the sun is warm and there is a beautiful beach to enjoy.

Joshua thinks the best place in the whole world is his changing table - he goes crazy! He kicks, and dances (at least what we calling dancing), squeals and smiles. When he was younger, he screamed every time he peed. Thank goodness - he's finally over this, which helps with the number of diapers we use in a day but he still gets super excited when we put him up there. It is the silliest thing. I am scared though when he starts to be more active I will really have to get quick at changing his diaper or he'll wiggle right off. LOL

Today's Schedule

2010-01-07T10:57:00.006-06:00

Today we started at 2am - with a unwanted wake up call. I was able to get him back to sleep

6:00am- woke up, fed 6 oz, put in his swing and did some floor time
7:30am - put down for a nap
10am - hallelujah - he took a nap longer than 45 min. I would have woke him up at 9 - but I also feel asleep. fed oz - did exercises and tummy time.
11:30am - nap, actually slept 1 hour (only 15 minutes more but its a start)
12:30 put in his swing until time to eat
1:00 - Feed 6oz, tummy time, exercise and practicing rolling over, reading
2:15 - nap
3:00 - woke up and I let him CIO (15-20 min) didn't really work, went in put in the passy and he went back to sleep for all of 5 min.

3:30 got him up and put him in his swing

4:00 fed him 6 oz

5:00 - he was acting fussy and rubbing his eyes so I put him down early
He slept for all of 30 minutes - I just can't win
I let him cry it out for 20 minutes. He didn't give up. So I put him in the swing and he ended up falling asleep around 6:20
7:00 woke him up and fed him 8oz with cereal
8:00 put down for the night (hopefully)

Today was better than yesterday - I am hoping tomorrow is better than today

Calling all Veteran Mommies

2010-01-06T21:55:00.002-06:00

Ok, I am really struggling with feeding and sleeping schedules with Joshua. I am going to be posting his daily schedule and ANY suggestions you have - I will take

Today.
5:00am - wake up, fed 6oz , Changed diaper and put right back to bed
9:00am - woke up, fed 6oz, played, tummy time, read
10:30 am - put down for a nap only slept 45min, let chill out on his activities mat
12:00pm - fed 6oz, played, did exercises with him
1:30 pm - put down for a nap slept only 30 mins, let him cry for 20 mins to see if he would go back down - never happened
3:00pm - fed 6oz, did activies for 1 1/2 hours
4:30pm - put down for a nap - again only 45min nap, let him stay in his crib for 15 min - didn't go back to sleep - put him in his swing - acted tired but never fell back asleep. put him on the table in his bouncy seat while i cooked dinner and ate
6:00pm - fed 9oz with cereal in the bottle for last feeding...
(I left for a meeting at 6:30 ) Michael said he started putting him down at 7:15 going through our bedtime routine (read book, turn off lights listen to music, pray, and then lay down)
He put him to bed four times - yikes - poor daddy. He finally went to sleep and stayed asleep at 9pm. Michael had given him Milacon and Tylenol before bed to help him sleep. It didn't help. We'll see how he sleeps tonight but I am hoping that he can sleep the 10 hours he was before this 5am business started.

Seriously....any widsom or advice is totally soliciated!!! I need help.

Taking after his Mama

2010-01-06T17:14:00.003-06:00

My mom will appreciate this post. All during my childhood I had a blanket. This was more than a blanket - it was a permanent fixture until I stopped sucking my thumb, which I am ashamed to say didn't happen until age 6 or 7. And so - braces inevitably followed.

I hope that braces aren't in his future but he has definitely found a favorite blanket or lovey. He loves playing with it and it really calms him down in his swing. He takes it and puts it on his face - which is really funny. And today - he finally figured out how to suck his thumb - but thank goodness - it didn't last long and he was bored with it. I have been trying to have him avoid the thumb sucking since I know how hard it is to beat the habit...lol.

Thank you Nina for my favorite blanket. She bought it for him before we even knew he was a he. Mother's intuition I guess.

Be careful all St. Louisians - it's getting ugly out there with the snow.

Tummy Time

2010-01-06T16:49:00.003-06:00

Since Joshua has started teething... this is the extent of his tummy time. Once he finds his fist, its all over with. He is never going to roll over - at least not until those first teeth come in.

Sleeping, Eating, Swaddling and figuring it all out

2010-01-05T16:56:00.006-06:00

So my son and I are constantly learning each other. Just when I think we have it figured it out - he changes. So I am so blessed. Joshua started sleeping through the night at 3 1/2 months. We by chance changed him from eating every 3 hours - 5 oz to every 4 hours - 6 oz and the last bottle we do 8 oz with cereal. It was working. He was sleeping 8:30pm - 6:30am, 10 hours which is suggested for his age.

Even though he was doing so well, New Year's eve it went to pot. I don't know if he is going through a growth spurt (as suggested by other moms) or if he needs more food - I can't imagine any more food fitting in him. I know it sounds stupid - but he is so big already I don't want to make him to be too heavy. Babies who breastfeed never have issues with overeating but bottle fed babies can - I don't want to start bad habits.

A friend of mine gave me some material she received from an infant sleep specialist. I am eager to read it and learn the best way to get a baby who is getting what he needs as far as sleep and eating. I go to the doctor on Monday with him and hope to talk to her about it too. I am thinking it might be time to start cereal or some solid foods.

The last issue were working out is to Swaddle or not to Swaddle. I love my son he is the best thing in my world, however left to his own devices he is a mess. HE is so active in his sleep that if we don't swaddle him he wakes himself up. He ends up hitting himself in the face. So we've continued to swaddle him but he's breaking out. He is also moving a lot more and I a scared that he would roll over and not be able to prop his head up since his arms are in the swaddle. I would appreciate any wisdom you want to share with me about your swaddling experiences and how you transitioned.

Captain Adorable

2010-01-04T14:52:00.003-06:00

My sister Christi got Joshua the most hilarious stuff. The things you can find in Los Angeles. I love this shirt and he can finally wear it. Newborn - my rear. This thing was huge until just recently. I am amazed at how much baby sizes can vary between brands. Well here's my little super hero - hope he brought a smile to your day.

I want to make him a cape and mask to go with this....maybe even some arm bands - like Wonder Woman....LOL

More pictures of the cutest boy ever (but I am bias)

2010-01-02T15:43:00.004-06:00

These are just a few more pictures of his first month of life on the outside. His head is getting a little rounder, his face is less jaundice and we are falling more and more in love with this little boy.

Pictures from the first weeks (backtrack)

2009-12-29T22:42:00.002-06:00

We hadn't graduated to the big bottles yet - Only 2 oz at a time - I can't believe how small he is.

Michael got to spend the first full week at home with us it was great to let them bond as dad & son

He slept alot during those first few weeks. I didn't know how easy I had it.

Joshua hated his first bath and as you can see slept through the second. He now loves them.

The gotee picture was taken the night we brought him home. LOL Too much fun with our new toy- just kidding.

Joshua's First Christmas

2009-12-29T21:40:00.005-06:00

I was so excited for this Christmas since it was our first Christmas as a family. Each year we have alternated between families. Last year we were in Pittsburgh with my mom and this year we would spend Christmas with Michael's mom and family.

My family (mom, both sisters - Christi from LA, Kelly from PA, my dad and stepmom) all came in the week prior to Christmas. It was the first time the entire family was together since my wedding in 2007. It was the first time Christi had met Joshua... it was love at first sight! She flew in at about 11pm and I only let her hold him, even though she wanted to wake him up. Dad and Brenda brought us presents even through we said we weren't exchanging presents this year - due to financial issues for us all. However, everyone brought presents for Joshua. They got me the Rachel Ray cooking set - which I am in love with. They gave Michael a TomTom which he's been playing with ever since. It was so nice to have everyone at our house - it was too short but wonderful to have my whole family together.

Christmas morning we spent just as a family - and in Schindler tradition - we ate cinnamon rolls and had coffee. We went downstairs and opened presents. This year we didn't overdo it. I got Michael a second playstation controller, and a stocking full of candy. My husband LOVES candy. From Joshua I gave a pciture of Joshua's footprints. He gave me two cd's, Dave Matthews Band new one and the new John Mayer's cd. I have been enjoying them ever since. We got Joshua one present - an educational toy from Lamaze. He now has toys all over the house. For Christmas - the grandparents really had fun. He got a bumbo, a exasaucer, books and outfits galore.

After we cleaned up and Joshua had his morning nap - we headed to Michael's mom to spend Christmas with Bonnie, Angie & Mark (Michael's brother and sister-n-law) and their kids, Breckin (7 yrs.) and Samantha (6 months). We enjoyed opening presents and sharing a meal together. Later Michael fixed his mom's new computer and I watched Julie and Julia with my sister in law. It only took us almost 4 hours to watch it since we had to keep attending to the little kids. Here are some pictures from our time there.
Breckin was missing some teeth and wanted new ones for Christmas.

Here are the two newest members of the Schindler clan. They are two months apart and weigh almost the same amount. Sam is a lot longer than Joshua. They were cute together. Joshua talked Sam's ear off and she just beat up on him when she could...lol.

They even coordinated with the red and green. The best part is that Sam did not share her cold with Joshua.

It was overall painless and uneventful which is a lot for those who know my past with my mother in law. I hope everyone out there had a great holiday season and a very Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve

2009-12-29T21:39:00.003-06:00

Christmas Eve was spent with family. Best of all - Michael took the day off work so we were able to be a family all day. First we had a visit from Michael's dad. It was nice to see him and we exchanged gifts and then he got on his way and returned home.

Later that night, my dad and Brenda came up and we went to church at our church, First Evangelical Free Church. I actually had a speaking part in our Christmas Eve service. I successfully got through it without forgetting anything or mispronouncing anything. It was a huge accomplishment. Brenda even said that when I spoke Joshua woke up and started looking around for me. Isn't that cute. It was wonderful worshipping as a family.

After church, we all headed to the only restaurant open, Denny's and enjoyed a meal together. It was unfortunately pouring down rain when we left the church - it didn't let up until after dinner.

Thanksgiving

2009-12-22T23:26:00.007-06:00

This Thanksgiving was so wonderful. My mom and sister Kelly came in from PA to be with me, Michael, Joshua, and my dad and stepmom all celebrated Thanksgiving together in Pinckneyville. The best part was it was a mother-n-law free holiday. The first one since I've been married that I have been able to enjoy just my family. I know that sounds selfish and not nice but it's nice just to be able to be yourself with your own family and not watch everything you do and say.

My mom came in on Wednesday and stayed at my house. It was so nice to just have time with her and Kelly. I was in the end of my semester at Covenant so she was able to help out with Joshua while I was writing papers. Thursday my mom, Kelly, Michael, Joshua and I all went down to Pinckneyville and stuffed ourselves silly. Joshua sat at the table with us and was our entertainment during dinner as he smiled and drooled. Dinner was exceptional and it even included my dad's famous haystack potatoes. (Sorry Christi - we wished you had been there with us) My sister Christi was in California spending Thanksgiving with her boyfriend and his family- we missed her so much.

We came home on Thursday night, Michael had to go to work the next day and Kelly stayed behind so my mom and I were able to spend some time together. Friday - I worked on papers, my mom hung out with Joshua. We also went shopping and found Kelly a dresser for the nursery at Once Upon a Child. It was a great deal. That night we also went out to dinner with Michael's dad, his wife and their granddaughter Megan. Macaroni Grill is always great! And it was nice to catch up and spend time with family.

We went back to Pinckneyville on Saturday for my sister's baby shower. Kelly is due in February with little Iris May. The shower was fun - and it was nice to be able to show Joshua off to all the wonderful ladies who came to his baby shower just a few months ago. Unfortunately, Joshua was cranky all day and pretty much slept the entire party. I think he was a little overwhelmed.

My mom and I were talking on the way home from the shower and she let me know that she has been going to church and she for her 50th birthday wants to be baptized. To those of you who don't know. I have been praying for this for 7 years. If I wouldn't have been driving I think I might have broke down crying. My heart was just swollen with joy and excitement for the journey my mom is beginning and the now shared eternal destiny we both have as believers in Christ. God is so good!!!!!!!!!

Kelly's baby daddy - Jonathan, let us all go to see her 4-D ultrasound. It was really cool but Iris didn't participate well and the pictures weren't that clear. The funniest part was there was a point where the ultrasound tech found Iris licking her umbilical cord - she's a strange little girl already. She'll fit right in with our family. LOL.

3 Months Old

2009-12-22T23:25:00.014-06:00

We're slowly growing bigger than Gumbo. He's finally in 0-3 month clothes. He's in size 1 diapers and gaining weight with furry. He is very vocal and loves telling stories and singing to us. He loves his activities mat and smiling at girls. The above outfit was intended as his "coming home" outfit. It's just finally fitting him.

We're finally settled on a bedtime routine and eating more at night which has resulted in sleeping all night - huge milestone which is making me feel more human. He started out the month eating 5 oz every three hours to 6 oz every 4 oz. We've also started to feed him 8 oz for his last feeding with some rice cereal in the bottle. He has stopped napping more than 1 hour. Which means he's an hour up and an hour down - it can be exhausting for me but he doesn't seem very motivated to merge any of these naps any time soon.

Went to the doctor around 12 weeks because of fear of an ear infection. He was fine but he weighed 13.4 lbs. He's growing so fast. Getting to be a chuncky monkey too. He has started the beginnings of teething - he's a drool machine. He was really good at tummy time and pushing his head up and now he's more interested in eating his hands when he is on his tummy. At this rate - he'll never role over. He has started to raise his legs up to his chest and begin to roll to the side.

We've started taking baths with only about 1 1/2 inches of water in the tub and let him just splash and kick. He loves it. He is so funny. The changing table is still his favorite place to be - it's an automatic smile when he is up there.

Joshua is growing into a very happy little man and is so fun to be around. He was even kind enough to sleep a little extra during my finals. He is so thoughtful! (lol)

Halloween

2009-12-22T23:25:00.011-06:00

Happy Halloween

Halloween is Michael's favorite holiday. He loves it more than Christmas, which to me is just silly. But knowing he loves it so much we got 3 Halloween outfits for Joshua. He received a peas in a pod outfit that was WAY TOO BIG for him. He got a ghost and a black cat outfit. All of the costumes were provide to us by Grandma Bonnie. I unfortunately was in class the weekend of Halloween and Michael had been traveling weeks at a time but coming home for the weekend. So unfortunately I was not able to be part of the Halloween day festivities.

While I was at class all day Saturday, Michael's mom came over to help out with Joshua and let Michael get some of the leaves picked up. She also took some pictures for me of Joshua all dressed up. Because Michael had been out of town we hadn't gotten a pumpkin yet - I tried after work to bring one home for us to carve - every store was completely sold out. So no pumpkin this year but hopefully next year

Since moving to this neighborhood, we've been really excited about the prospect to handout candy to all our little neighbors and other kids in the neighborhood. We were not disappointed. We dressed up Joshua as a cat and Chewy in his angel outfit - we know better than to try and put anything on Leo (the cat). We had about 50 kids come to the door. They were so cute and Joshua slept through the whole thing - but he was a big hit as we handed out candy.

Doesn't he look so excited to hand out candy? I couldn't believe he slept through the entire thing.

Chewy is always a sport when I want to make him cute and put him in his costumes...lol

The cutest little cat I've ever seen. The outfit really did fit him well.

2 Months Old

2009-12-22T23:25:00.008-06:00

Look how much I've grown. He's finally bigger than Gumbo. He is slowly loosing his hair on top but it's still very red. He is doing really well with gaining weight and we're almost in 0-3 months clothing - but still in newborn for now.

1 Month Old

2009-12-22T23:24:00.007-06:00

I got this idea from a fellow blogger. In the picture with Joshua is his gator called Gumbo. Michael named him. You can see here that Gumbo and Josh are almost the same size. Man, Joshua looks so little here.

His first month was filled with lots of learning about him and him learning about us. He was getting up every 3 hours and at this point we were still trying to breastfeed but were still having to supplement. We had some issues with him gaining weight but during his 4 week appointment he had finally surpased his birth weight. He is still in newborn clothes but hopefully will be moving up to big boy clothes soon.

Pictures, pictures, pictures

2009-12-22T23:24:00.005-06:00

Here are a few pictures from Joshua's First Days in the hospital

A little Jaundice but doing well

That was his going home outfit
He's just so little

Hanging out with his proud Nina

With his Auntie Kelly - she's going to be having his cousin really soon.

Joshua Nathaniel's Birth Story

2009-12-22T23:23:00.010-06:00

I wanted to write this all down before I forgot. My memory is not the greatest these days.

On September 9th, 2009 I worked late (6:15pm) trying to get everything together for my boss. For the past few days I wasn't able to sleep the night before I had only gotten 2-3 hours a sleep and I was wide awake until 3 or 4am. It was happening again this night too. I was so tired but I could not sleep. I took two TylenolPM's (my best friend during pregnancy) and laid down to go to bed around 10pm. I laid their for a while but finally fell asleep. I got up around 2am to go to the bathroom, which happened many times a night at this point, and realized that when I was on my way to the bathroom that my water broke. I had asked someone previously what your water breaking felt like and all they could tell me was, "you'll definitely know when it happens." She was right. I woke Michael up and told him my water broke and I headed back for the bed. Michael asked me what I was doing and to that I told him I was going back to bed, this kid wasn't going to be here for a while I was planning on just laboring at home for a while. I wasn't in pain just grossed out by the water gushing out every so often.

Michael insisted that I call Dr. Mani. So I did. The nurses exchange said that Dr. Mani suggested that I get to the hospital as soon as possible. I wasn't in a rush. I had my bag mostly packed and Joshua's bag was packed. I made sure that Michael had a shirt with him that I didn't mind being in pictures. (Thanks Emily for that advice) I ate something knowing that I wouldn't be able to eat when I got to the hospital. I should have ate A LOT MORE.

After we packed up all our stuff, we got to the hospital and checked in around 4am. I called my family on the way to the hospital. All they kept saying was " I can't believe you are so calm." What did i have to be nervous about - I was ready to get this kid out and at this point I wasn't in any pain. They checked me when I arrived and I was barely 1 cm. They took us to our room and told us to get some sleep and they would be by to check on me later.

I had a birth plan kind of decided. I wanted to make it to 6 cm before I got an epidural and I didn't want pitocin. I got one part of the plan. At around 8 am I had not progressed at all, well very little. I was at 2 cm. Hessie (my wonderful Jewish nurse) suggested that we get started with the pitocin to get the labor started so I wouldn't be sitting around all day with nothing happening. At first I was ok, but once that pitocin kicked in the pain came. We walked up and down the halls. I sat on the birthing ball. I wanted to be mobile as long as I could so I could progress the labor. About noon, my great friend and photographer came - Emily Loveall. It was so great having her there. She knew what I was going through and was so comforting.

I made it finally to 6 cm and I was done being brave - I was in pain. I asked for the epidural. This was around 2pm. The combination of the epidural and the pitocin did not set well with Joshua. All of a sudden an alarm went off - and a gang of nurses and a doctor came in to my room in a whirlwind. Michael wasn't there at the time he had went downstairs to drop off something for his boss to pick up. I just looked at Emily and asked her how low Joshua's heart rate was.... she just looked at me and said "It's a little low." By this time, I had an oxygen mask on me, people still swirling around me, and they were putting an internal fetal monitor on him. I was scared. They decided to take me off the pitocin for a while and let things progress. His heart rate started to increase and people began to leave my room. His heart rate was steadily around 120-133 and it had dipped down to 80 bpm. Very Scary!!! And did I mention... My husband is no where around. He comes in right after it's all over.

After I got the epidural in, I felt so good. However, I was more numb on my right side than my left so I was still feeling my contractions a little. We watched the 24th season of Oprah kick off with a performance from the Black Eye Peas "I got a Feeling." Which every time I hear that song I thing of being in the labor and delivery room. While I was in labor, I took a call for a job interview. Thank goodness I didn't have a contraction while I was on the phone with this woman. We were able to set up a time after I got home to do the interview - It didn't end up working out.

The night moved on and I kept progressing. Finally at 7pm I was 10 cm. We waited a little while for him to drop a little more and for Dr. Mani together there. My epidural ran out right before pushing. They thought it was a good idea to go ahead... I thought otherwise. I had them fill that puppy back up. Not enough to completely numb me but enough to help me. I pushed for what felt like an eternity but was only an hour. I felt so weak. I couldn't not find a way to push my body up while pushing him out. I had the nurse help me by pulling my arms, then she had me pull on one side of towel while she held the other - didn't work. She finally gave me the hand rails that I was able to use to help pull me up. I had one nurse on one leg and Emily on another, with Michael behind me helping me push my torso forward. It felt like I couldn't move forward. My nurse didn't have the best bedside manner. I was getting really discouraged and felt like I wasn't progressing at all. When Dr. Mani finally got there - she helped rally me to a big finish. Grey's Anatomy was also on distracting me from the pain and burning.

He finally made his appearance at 8:35pm. I felt like I had been through a war and I looked like I had been. No one told me to put some makeup and do my hair before you take those "afterglow birth pictures with your newborn and husband" After he was out, I cried. I was so happy it was over, happy he was here. But ...I didn't hear him cry. It took them a while to clean him up and he was quiet. I kept asking Michael if he was ok, and he walked over and told me he was fine... finally a cry. The smallest cutest cry you ever heard. He was here and he was healthy. I couldn't be more happy or feel more blessed. God had given me the baby I had asked him for. It was easier than I had ever imagined it to be - Michael and I were prepared to struggle with fertility due to my previous issues - But God worked past all of that and gave me a beautiful healthy baby boy.

Joshua Nathaniel was born on September 10th, 2009 (9-10-09) at 8:35 pm and was 6 lbs 15 oz and 20.5 inches long. He had one major cone head, which really freaked Michael out. Dr. Mani insisted that it would go away within a few days. It did, so much so that he shrunk almost a full inch at his first pediatricians appointment four days later. He was born with one brown eye, one blue eye and curly red hair. I almost thought they had brought me the wrong baby when I saw him. He wasn't anything what I expected him to look like. But he was perfect. They gave him his first bath and washed him up and then they gave him to me and it was surreal. I was now staring at the person who I had already known for 9 months for the first time. I got to meet this little man who had kept me up so many nights and kicked me so hard at times that it knocked the air out of me. At that moment I couldn't imagine my life ever being without him. I was now a mom. Whoa.

After 18 long hours I got to eat. I was so excited -while Michael went down and got me a hamburger and fries, I called my family and had friends send out messages on my behalf. Emily got my password to facebook and posted pictures and the announcement of Joshua Nathaniel's arrival. My Dad and Step-mom Brenda were anxiously waiting to come in but Michael and I and Josh just took some time to be a family for a while and get used to this idea of having a son.

We let them in and they couldn't get over how perfect he was. Soon after that - they took us to our postpartum room. Unfortunately since everyone decided to have their baby the day before 9-9-9, I got stuck in one of the sucky small rooms. I was hoping for one of the bigger rooms on the wings - oh well. My mom had been driving all day and night from Pennsylvania and got there at 12am. They brought Joshua in to try and breastfeed and my mom just cried. We had never had a boy in our family - this was a whole new world for us. I didn't know if I would be able to breastfeed at all due to breast reduction surgery when I was 19. It wasn't easy and Joshua didn't have the best latch but we did have minimal success. I gave it the old college try for 2 months. I have since given up - since he was not able to get what he needed from me and I was already supplementing.

Well, this is Joshua's story. It was WAY easier than I ever thought it would be and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I will never be the same and I am happy for that. I gladly give up my name to be called "Mom" for the rest of my life.

Not a Happy Camper - Brand New and Cold

One Proud Papa

First Family Photo

The forecast calls for SHOWERS....

2009-12-22T22:44:00.006-06:00

I have the most wonderful family and friends. I was blessed with five showers.

The first was a surprise shower. We were told that my small group was having a game night in place of our regularly scheduled bible study. I am always on time....however, being pregnant and having to walk down 7 houses to my small group meeting place meant we were taking our time eating dinner and getting dressed to go when I got a call from my friend Kim wondering where we were. I actually got miffed about this and said I'd be there in a few minutes - what's the rush. Little did I know they were all waiting on us to throw us a co-ed surprise baby shower. It was great. They got Joshua gifts and even gifts for Michael to use with Joshua. Manly things, like sports stuff and a book for just them. It was awesome. They even decorated one of a kind oneies for Joshua... I will post the pictures of some of them later. (I don't think I have any pictures from this shower)

Second, My mom came in from PA to throw me a shower. She and my sister Kelly. All i have to say is that my mom could give any professional party planner a run for their money. It was so nice, even down to the gifts (chocolate chip banana bread mix in a mason jar) - so cute. There was of course a monkey theme - since that is how we have decorated his room. It was so nice even though only 10 people showed up. It was really nice to be able to get to talk to everyone.

( I have to find pictures from this shower)

Third, Emily Loveall and Becca Spencer, two great friends, threw me a shower at Covenant Theological Seminary's Log Cabin. I got to spend time with some of my favorite ladies who I used to work with at Covenant. It was so nice to have them be part of this shower since so many of them had been praying for Michael and I in getting pregnant. It was so much fun, we even did a survey about me and my pregnancy where I didn't even know the answers to some of the questions. I blame it on prego brain. I always feel so loved by all the ladies of Covenant.

Fourth, my "bonus" mom, Brenda threw me a shower in my hometown of Pinckneyville, IL. The women of her church really know how to throw a party and make a new mom feel loved. They loaded me up with all the essentials! They even made monkeys from diapers and baby socks - amazing and creative.

Fifth, was my most unexpected shower. While I was pregnant, I took a job at a local photography company. They were nice enough to throw me a shower even though I just had started six months prior.

So with all those showers you would have thought that I was ready for Joshua to come. Stuff wise we were set, but I was still scared to pieces. However, by the last shower I was just done with being pregnant. My discomfort finally trumped my fear.

How BIG did I get?

2009-12-22T15:50:00.003-06:00

So - I am returning to the blogging world. I have meant to start back up again many times, especially through my pregnancy but it just never happened. Life got a little hectic.

So my good friend, Emily Loveall, took some prego pictures of me. I am not really a fan of them but thought I would share them since they are the only pictures other than from showers that document that I was in fact prego. It was a good thing we took these pictures when we did, because I went into labor around 2 days later (I think?).

Man - I felt HUGE, even though I only gained 7 lbs the entire pregnancy. I lost a lot of weight in the beginning from horrible morning (evening) sickness. I gained so little weight that my doctor made me get an ultrasound at 34 weeks to check on Baby Boy Schindler's weight. He was fine. The ultrasound tech even predicted he would be big....man was she wrong.

Jon & Kate Plus 8

2009-05-25T21:35:00.004-05:00

I know it seems funny for me with all that's going on to blog about a silly TV show but I have share my thoughts.

I am no stranger to difficulty in marriage. I have seen it first hand growing up and also in my own marriage. As a believer in a majestic and miraculous God. I believe He always gives a way to heal our broken hearts, forgive and start over. He is the great physician. His is always pro-marriage, no matter what the circumstances, the hurt, the wrongs. I know what most of you are thinking - well why does Jesus teach on divorce. Well - it's not because it's his first option or that he approves. But men were tossing their wives aside during the first century and before, leaving them destitute and powerless because of divorce. And God gave us guidelines for even sinful situations because He loves us. However, He is the God of reconciliation. Look what he did on the cross to reconcile us, an adulterous people, back to himself not for his benefit but for our salvation.

We are broken and fallen people. We will sin against our significant other. We will hurt each other intentionally and unintentionally but we can't stay there.

As I watched the season premier of J&K+8, I hurt for them both, for their kids, for their church family. I am wondering if their church is stepping in to help heal this situation. I hope the pastor has gotten involved - it's his responsibility. If one falls away we are to restore them gently. Now more than ever this family needs the hope of the gospel. If Jesus raised men from the dead think what power he possess to resurrect their family and restore it to a state better than they ever dreamed. Divorce should never be an option....we grieve it because it's not the way it is suppose to be.

I am committing to pray for this family and all families who are going through hardship, separation, disappointments and hopeless moments. God CAN HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE - if you let him. It takes a huge amount of trust, faith, and obedience. Marriages must be the foundation of the family. It's not supposed to be all about the kids. Kids are the blessing/ the bi-product of a loving relationship with Christ at it's core. I know this doesn't always happen. But if you're doing it for the kids you need to know that faking it for the kids is not helping. Step away - get your marriage on track and then you can be a blessing to your children. Be a testament of the power of Christ in a marriage - show the World what most of them don't know. THAT CHRIST CAN HEAL ANY SITUATION - and we don't have to resort to the easy way out, the world's way of doing things.

I know women/men who have dealt with extraordinary obstacles in their marriage: infidelity with multiple partners, ongoing porn additions, abandonment, abuse of every kind and because of their faith in God, with the assistance of their church family and steps toward reconciliation- their marriage not only survived but they came out stronger than they ever thought they could be. The Lord gives us His power to preserve, to heal, to forgive, and to grow stronger. Was it hard - YES, was it worth it - heck yes!

One thing to remember - our spouses are not here to provide us with earthly fulfillment, contentment, or even happiness. They are here to be an instrument to help perfect us in Christ-likeness, to make us holy. WE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY OR FULFILLED because of anyone else. That's not their purpose. ONLY GOD can ever bring us to that place we push, force, squeeze and even insist that our spouse should be for us. I have to remind myself of that daily. It's easier to look to Michael to "make me happy" and serve my needs than it is to trust God to provide my needs and serve Him.

Thank you for listening/reading my rantings. I felt compelled to share my thoughts and feelings on this since it hits so close to home. I want the world to know there is another option out there other than divorce - it does take hard work, pain, dealing with hard and ugly stuff about yourself and the other person. But nothing worth having is easy, pain free or without sacrifice.

I hope that there is a counselor/pastor out there that knows this family and many others and steps up to the plate to say - "what's going on here isn't what God has for you. He has better and I want to help you restore your marriage and your family." If you take the steps towards reconciliation God doesn't just meet you half way ....he does way more than that. Because by choosing to be obedient to your wedding vows, you choose to put God's way first instead of your emotions or your opinions. He honors that obedience!

I am committing myself to being a voice for PRO-MARRIAGE and praying for healing for so many couples out there, and for my own marraige. I hope you will join me.

Getting Ready

2009-05-11T20:57:00.005-05:00

Thanks to my very dear friend and new mom, Emily, I registered at Babies R Us. I would still be there today rocking in a corner confused and bewildered without her help. It is so overwhelming. Who knew new moms need 5 options of every item in the store - and who can keep track of which one is better.

Emily was wonderful - thanks Em. She took me aisle by aisle and got me totally set up. But I thought I would share with you my favorite part...not that bottles and diaper bags are exciting but - here is what our nursery will be decorated in.

We've joked the whole pregnancy that I am going to be having a monkey due to the horrible heart burn. Based on the old wives tale that if you have heartburn you'll have a baby with hair...and we think he'll be covered in it. And aslo, Michael is obsessed with one day having a monkey that will bring him things, like the remote, and scratch his back.

I think we will do the walls in a camel color, he has cream carpet in his room and we're doing expresso colored furniture. I am even using the dresser that my papa made me and I had in my room when I was little. I just have to stain it darker and it will be ready to go. My favorite part is the adhesive stickers...I love the idea of having the wall decorations without having a wallpaper border. It just makes it so much easier.

We still don't have a name....I guess we'll have one by September. I have already warned Michael that we cannot take him home without a name.

I hope all is well with you tonight. I have a lot of friends graduating at the end of this week. You are in my prayers as you finish up last minute papers, finals and projects. I hope you enjoy your last days at Covenant. And selfishly....I wish I was graduating with you. I've completed my 4th year and feel like it should be ending soon.... but I have 2 more years to go. UGH! One day I'll walk across that stage and it will be worth it and I'll walk across the stage with a husband and a son richer since I started this crazy ride called Seminary. That day will be so sweet.

Ok ... I'm Back

2009-05-10T19:56:00.002-05:00

So recently I was threatened by a good friend of mine that if I didn't start blogging she was going to kick my rear.

I apologize for my absences but I was in a very bad place for a while and I needed to allow time and the Lord to tend my wounds to a very hurtful situation. I didn't want to come on here and complain so now - I am in a better place and have lots to share.

As most of you know I am 5 months pregnant - that's a miracle in and of itself. We're having a boy and we are so excited. I know my life is going to be turned upside down in just a few months but I know I will not be in it alone - I have been a prayer warrior since I found out we were pregnant. I know the Lord is going to equip me to deal with it all.

Emily - I promise I will post belly pictures soon - but last night at the wedding - I was having a bad hair day... so this weekend at the wedding - I'll get a picture.

I am going to keep it short and sweet this time but I will return - I promise. Thanks for reading this and for being patient with me.

God's Blessing on all the mother's out there - especially mine. I love you Mama

Watch it ....so funny

2008-09-26T23:11:00.002-05:00

Ok so this isn't a "real" post and I am stealing it from Becky Kicklighter... but I saw it and laughed so hard I had to share it... watch, enjoy!

A Much Needed Weekend of Fun

2008-08-18T14:55:00.002-05:00

This weekend, Friday at 7:35pm, I finished my summer class. The minute I finished my final I felt WONDERFUL, free, and somewhat lost. “What am I supposed to do now?” This class has been all consuming for the past month and a half. And I praise God that it’s done and I survived the class, but I am not sure how my grade will turn out. I am bracing myself for my first “C” in seminary. Three years to make a “C” isn’t that bad, right?

Anyways, Michael was on call on Friday so he was on the phone with customers until about 10pm. After that, we cleaned the house together so we didn’t have to worry about it on Saturday. I went to bed with the windows open, a cool breeze and woke up to the same at 10am the next morning with my cute husband by my side. We just enjoyed the morning with each other. I made pancakes, turkey bacon, and smoothies. Best breakfast in the world in our opinion. During breakfast, we got an unexpected but wonderful call from our friend Kim. She invited us to swimming and we jumped at the chance.

Her boss, Sandy from JOYFM, was gracious enough to let us come and use their pool. It was AMAZING. It was a salt-water pool. I had never heard of such a thing until Saturday. It was just what the doctor ordered. I thought of nothing, soaked in the sun, and enjoyed great conversation and the beautiful weather. Michael and I later went on a date to a Mexican restaurant near our house, Chihuahuas. Check it out it has AMAZING food and its one of those great hole-in-the-wall places.

Sunday was filled with church, a much needed nap and wonderful time spent with one of my most favorite students. I was privileged to get the opportunity to share the gospel with her friend and talk to her about her feelings about religion and faith and the “whole Jesus thing” as she called it. I don’t know how the Lord will use my words but I trust in his power in this young girl’s life. I hope to report later on her.

Overall – great weekend, much needed time of doing nothing and everything all at once and yet not thinking about school once.

Tales from Beyond the Stirrups

2008-08-11T14:43:00.004-05:00

Wanted to let you know that I got the results from the biopsy I had on Monday. My doctor called me yesterday and said that it’s back and this time instead of it being low-grade dysplasia it’s mild. She doesn’t want to do the LEEP procedure to cut on the cervix and remove the cells because at this point it will eliminate my chances for getting pregnant. So at this point we’re doing a lesser procedure called the ECC in October… but at this point …pregnancy is going to be harder than I want. And when I get pregnant I will be a HIGH risk for miscarriages….I am just sick of being sick…ya know.

I have an ECC procedure planned for October. It’s just a waiting game at this point….I am just trying to trust the Lord and his goodness to prevail in this situation. I am mad, scared, frustrated ….but Michael and I trying to be hopeful. Pray ….pray for healing… pray for babies (someday).

For those of you who aren't familiar with these kind of procedures here's some info (and a graphic picture so beware) Types of cervical biopsies include:

Punch Biopsy: A surgical procedure to remove a small piece of tissue from the cervix. One or more punch biopsies may be performed on different areas of the cervix.

Cone Biopsy or Conization: A surgical procedure that uses a laser or scalpel to remove a large cone-shaped piece of tissue from the cervix.

Endocervical Curettage (ECC): A surgical procedure in which a narrow instrument called a curette is used to scrape the lining of the endocervical canal, an area that cannot be seen from the outside of the cervix.

Other related procedures that may be used to help diagnose and treat abnormal or cancerous cervical cells include loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP), colposcopy, and Pap test.

Coffee

2008-08-04T11:40:00.002-05:00

I am realizing that I am way too dependant on coffee. I can't even function with out it. My first sip of the morning just makes me feel normal...soothing even. If I am home on the weekend, and don't have coffee, I just fall asleep with little to no motivation to do anything.....I think I might have a problem?

Hmmmmmmmmm - It's been a while

2008-07-22T20:10:00.005-05:00

I apologize it's been so long since I've last posted. So much has gone on and then again - nothing at all. But through it all - I am trying to hold on to hope.

Michael is officially back from Chicago and it looks like he'll be home for a while which is good.
I am suffering through an independent study class this summer and it is going to be the death of me - never again. I have 3 quizes, 2 books, and 15 lectures to listen to before I am done... not to mention a comprehensive final. It might kill me - and that's not an exaggeration.
My cat is recovering from my stupidity. About a week ago, I had to take Leo to the Emergency Vet at 10pm. I had put some of the dogs flee and tick medicine on him in a very small dose not knowing that it is TOXIC to cats. This left him very itchy, having tremors that could have led to seizures and having to be put under, given an IV, and later sedated just to allow him to sleep. It was a night of knowing a little of what parents go through with sick babies. I just felt so helpless and scared. He is recovering fine and is back to his old self.
My work has been overwhelming to say the least but the team is pulling together and I hope to have a bearable and organized chaos at registration this year and moving to the new building.
I have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. My life is full of battles and in survivor mode I want to victory in all of them but I can't. In choosing my battles, I have decided (reluctantly) to not do youth ministry for possibly another year. I say reluctantly because it hurts my soul..... I know it's the right thing to do for this season in my life but a little part of me (hope) that I had been holding on to after an already 9 month break is slipping through my fingers. For those of you who don't know - Youth ministry is my lifeblood - it re-energizes me and fills my life with passion. I love seeing the light bulb go off and the opportunity to be privileged enough to be part of God's plan is more than an honor for me - it's humbling to say the least. I am not good at many things - but I LOVE teaching, discipling and investing in kids lives. I love sharing all the amazing things I learn at Covenant with them and seeing that look of .... "why have I never heard this before". God in his graciousness gave me that opportunity in a small way in my membership class. There was a woman bold enough to admit that she had never been told that the Trinity was there in the "beginning." Our class is about 30-40 ppl and with only hour and a half there was no time to fully explain the proofs of the statement. Knowing how this blew my mind the first time I was explained, I took a bold move and introduced myself to this nice woman. I said "That point you mention in class was astounding to me the first time I heard it - I'd love to tell you more if you'd like." And she accepted and I was able to show her the evidence of the Trinity in Genesis 1 and how that ties into John 1. It made me feel great to help another sister know God better.
I am having a real problem with coveting. Every where I look - people are getting what I want. A trip to Europe for free, a house, a great ministry job (don't get me wrong - i love my job but...I am in school to go into full-time ministry, Lord willing), a baby......Please pray for me in this area it has been a huge struggle with being content with where the Lord has me.
Also, I have been stuffing most, if not all, emotions. Please pray that God would give me the strength to deal with issues head on and use people in my life to speak truth, love, and help with restoration.
And if you haven't figured it out.... i have taken on too much in my life but i don't know what to let go of. I need margin and wisdom in deciding where that is going to come from.

In the words of a very wise and loved friend, I am trying to "dig my heels in" and trust in God to be my defender, my shield, my comfort, and my portion. I am daily making the decision to hold on to hope.

He's coming home for 3 Whole days

2008-07-03T08:39:00.003-05:00

On the road again.... Michael is driving from Chicago to St. Louis....I hope to see him before midnight..I get 3 short days with him and then he leaves again for Chicago for 1-2 weeks more. I hate that he travels....he really needs a new job.

Song of my heart

2008-07-01T13:57:00.003-05:00

We sang this song at church on Sunday and it just really spoke to me. I hope it encourages and lifts you up like it did me. It is a great reminder of God's grace. Enjoy -

"Yes you have" by Leeland

Every tree and and every stone
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God, I'll sing Your praise.

Every star and open sky
Tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains

And broke away the chains
Yes You have
With Your love You set me free
Three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise

My God I'll sing Your praise
Oh, with Your love You forgave my sin
Forgot my past and brought my back again
So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah

You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have

BRIDGE
If I ascend into the sky, or hide behind the night
I cannot run Your love is chasing me
If I fall into the sea, Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place

Because
This is all for You, yes
This is all for You

You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've stolen my heart
Yes You have
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes You have.

Today I am sad....

2008-06-28T23:04:00.002-05:00

I am sitting home on a Saturday night missing my husband terribly and wondering how did this happen.

About 3 years ago...I was "wonder woman" I didn't need a man. I was completely content being alone. I was brave enough to live alone, falling alseep was not a problem. I was focused and I could do it all by myself, quite efficently I would say.

And now.....I am a TOTAL WIFE. I feel lost when Michael's not around. When something good happens, like it did on Friday. He was the only person I wanted to share it with and I wasn't able to talk to him until 11pm. I am so LONELY without him and I can't sleep at night because I have made up ever noise in my head and get scared. Just by having him downstairs while I'll fall asleep gives me peace.

Michael left for Chicago on Thursday morning at 5am and won't be back until Thursday night only to leave again on Sunday for another week (maybe two). I know women deal with their husbands being gone all the time. But I feel lost, sad and lonely. I miss my best friend. He is working so hard from 8am till sometimes 10pm and it's hard not to be able to even talk to him. How did this happen? Is it a good thing? I am not sure.

I guess it would be bad if I didn't miss him or I thought of him like the main character on "Waitress" ( that I just finished watching). I just wish I felt more at ease without him here. I feel like my missing him gets in the way of my productivity. Oh well - just rantings of a lonely wife....he'll be home soon. Until then I have to lock up and set the alarm so I can sleep.

All I want to do...

2008-06-18T20:10:00.003-05:00

I get to work and this is all I feel like doing, laying outside watching the clouds roll by. I love my job but I feel nature calling me outside to play the minute I sit at my desk. This weather is tempting me. I just want to be on a blanket outside with my Bible..... maybe even take a nap.

Wedding anyone?

2008-06-12T21:18:00.008-05:00

This month has been the time of not only remembering our wedding (1 year ago) but also going to 3 weddings out of 4 weeks. Our third and final for the month of June is next week.

I have already blogged about Katie and Tom Smyth....what a great wedding. I saw her wedding pictures today... oh my gosh - they are wonderful.

Last weekend was my dear friend, Corinne and Josh. Corinne and I worked together last summer and I don't know if it was our shared love of Sex and the City or her darn-gone cuteness but we became friend and it has been my honor to call her my friend. I had the pleasure of helping her set up for her reception at Covenant Seminary (where her dad is the President - mingling with the important people - lol). I remember the AMAZING crew that saved me on my wedding day and set up. So, I felt it my duty to return the favor. Her wedding was amazing. Totally Corinne - laid back, warm, loving, and fun. She did a great job pulling it all together at the same time finishing college, and student teaching ... did I mention that I think she's superwoman.
Here are some pictures from Corinne's wedding. I hope you guys are having a great time in Colorado... and then ... they "have to" go to Hawaii to celebrate with his family.

Next weekend we have Melynda Adams and Billy Boyce. I am so excited for this wedding. Melynda is one of the most amazing women I know and Billy totally sees that too. Melynda and I work together and I have had a front row seat to see their love blossom from Melynda talking to Billy as a prospective student to hearing the amazing story of how he proposed. I know that God will be honored and glorified by this union, just as the others I have had the honor of attending. Melynda, side note, is the most calm bride to be I have ever witnessed. She is cool as a cucumber. I know that she has surrounded herself with some amazing people to be able to react this way T minus 8 days.... I hope her wedding day is everything that she has dreamed it to be. It promises to be wonderful.

With the blessings of all these weddings though....it is wonderful to see the personality of each bride come out in all the little details of the day. It's been so awesome to see. Michael isn't as thrilled with all these weddings as I am- I love a good love story, I don't care that I have to wear heals and watch my makeup sweat down my face. But I don't think he's died from having to wear a tie, he's avoided having to dance at the last 2 and deep down.... I know he's a big sap too.

Happy Wedding to all the June Brides.... but remember - Preparing for your marriage is more important that being prepared just for your wedding day.

A year marked with joy and challenges

2008-06-05T17:22:00.008-05:00

I can't even believe it's been one year since Michael and I married. I feel so blessed to be on this journey with him and have him as my husband. He makes my life full of joy, laughter, and excitment and challenges me in so many things (which is a good thing since I tend to think I know the best way to do all things ~ at least I did, I am growing). I don't know if those people are that say "My first year of marriage was so wonderful" are sugar-coating things or dillusional - but our first year was not easy. You put any two subborn, broken, set in our way people together and tell them to live with each other, and sparks are bound to fly every now and then.

I believe marriage is truly a wonderful thing. I am blessed to be married to Michael and God has taught me a lot by putting him in my life. I, for the first time, know that you can be loved and the bottom is not destined to fall out, they will not leave, and forgiveness is the most important part of a relationship.

We really wanted to celebrate this momentous occasion. So Michael suprised me with the idea of going to Hermann. We found the most WONDERFUL B&B (not covered in knicknacks and flowers or paisely), Inn at Hermannhof. Since we stayed Sunday through Monday - we got a Great Price. The room was beautiful. We had a tub that would fit 4 people, a shower that makes mine feel week (8 shower heads), and a fridge of unlimited wine, cheese, crackers, and pop.

A King Sized bed....is so wonderful Gas burning fire place (one in the bathroom too)

We arrived Sunday around 1:30pm. We were not able to check in until 4pm, so we were forced to go across the streat to the Hermannhof winery. There we sampled many different wines but settled on "The White Lady" I had prepacked a picnic lunch with cheese, bread, fruit and sausage (oh and starbursts for Michael). It was a beautiful day. We walked up and down the streets looking in mostly at the shops (since most were closed since it was Sunday- small town rules). But we were able to find one restaurant open on Sunday night, Vantage at the Stone Hill winery.

It was so nice just to get away and focus on each other .... here's some pictures from our trip. I would highly recommend the hotel and Hermann overall for a romantic weekend or just a girls weekend (they have spas and wine... what more could a girl want?)

Hermannhof Winery

River (?) infront of Hermannhof Winery...terrace overlooked this (beautiful)

Hermann Hill Inn (view from Stone Hill Winery)

Views of Hermann from Stone Hill Winery

Stone Hill at sunset

Views at Oakglenn Winery

Beautiful views of Missouri Wine Country

Sex and the City....Delivers!

2008-06-04T22:15:00.004-05:00

I've been awaiting this movie since the series finale. I had heard mixed reviews from faithful fan to just interested movie goers, so I didn't know what to think going into to it.

I loved it. I love the characters and their relationships - that is the true heart and soul of the show and now movie. I cried more than I probably should ... but it was moving to this SATC sucker. I loved the message of forgiveness and second chances. The only thing I would change is that "Big" (John) would have sent Carrie a "real" love letter at the end finally telling her how he truly felt about her. But as my sister said, "that's not Big."

I will be going to see it again and buying it when it comes out. I was delighted with the plot, characters and how it all got tied up with a BIG bow.

I was so delighted to go with a girlfriend from work. And loved seeing all the women dressed up and out on the town with their girlfriends. Michael had offered to see it with me....but its something that I think is just a girl thing.

Congrats Katie & Tom

2008-06-04T19:15:00.003-05:00

I have had the pleasure of knowing Katie for about two years and Tom about a year. They are the most wonderful couple. I feel blessed to have them in our life. This past weekend we had the great honor of attending their wedding. I can't imagine a more beautiful bride and the wedding was AMAZING.

They were married in a ELCA church in Webster Groves, MO. The old style architecture and stain glass was beautiful. And made me wish we'd would have picked somewhere like that. We had a great time and at their reception they had a live big band. It was so unique and so them (they are both band directors & and musicans).

I can't believe our wedding was just one year ago. And I am thankful that I made it through. I know that Katie and Tom are also grateful to be on the other side of "I do" celebrating their honeymoon in Georgia.

The pictures were taken by my most talented friend, Kim Underwood.

Results

2008-06-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to update those who read my blog. I heard from the doctor and my ultrasounds were completely normal. I have never heard those words come from my OBGYN office but they did this time. So, for right now I am only following up on the abnormal cells in my cervix with another biopsy in July and then we'll go from there.

Thanks for the prayers! Oh and BTW....if by chance there are any ultrasound techs out there reading this I have something to say to you..... Keep your TRAP SHUT...it's not your place to panic the patient.

"Sorry.... I can't seem to see your left ovary"

2008-05-29T15:52:00.003-05:00

(I added the horns)

So - I have been having "issues" for about a month with being nauseous, cramping, and just overall pain. I know what you are all thinking... and I AM NOT PREGNANT.

I went to my OBGYN when I was having the symptoms and she did a pap and set up an ultrasound, just to be cautious. Well I got a call last Friday, the virus in my cervix is back which means it's back to painful scrapings and more time in stirrups than any woman should endure.

Today, I had my ultrasound. I can't stand ultrasound techs. They talk too much. As the woman was doing my pelvic ultrasound, she began to dig into my areas. I series of "sorry, ...sorry, ... sorry" led her to tell me that she's having a hard time seeing my left ovary. She had no problem with the right but the left one was apparently playing hide and go seek. Who knew my ovaries were so playful?

My biggest concern in doing this test was that I might have cysts on my ovaries and that what was causing the symptoms. With all that said.... I am just sick of being sick. I want to know what it is like just to go to the doctor for a check up and not every three months to get poked and prodded.

After my disturbing ultrasound with Cathy Chatty - I went directly over to my doctor's office. They know me by name and I was able to peak my head in and ask one of the nurses, Kim, some questions about my unpleasant experience. She assured me that she would call me tomorrow when they got the report from the radiologist.

Please pray... my mind is racing and going to dark places (like spotting cancer, cysts, etc).

3 Down ....2 to Go?

2008-05-16T08:27:00.004-05:00

I just finished my third year of classes at Covenant Seminary. I feel free and lost all at the same time. You push yourself for weeks just to make it through....and I am there and I really don't know what I am supposed to do. I keep feeling like I am forgetting to do something... but for TWO WHOLE WEEKS I am a free woman.

..............................................And then .....Summer School

Expriements in Cooking

2008-04-25T15:26:00.002-05:00

Lately I have had to get really creative for food "I am allowed to eat" and with sensible portion sizes. I have come up with some new creations.

Chicken Lasagna Rolls
You take the Whole-wheat lasagna 6-10 depending on the size of the pan your using. Cook only slightly (if you overcook they will fall apart). Drain and rinse in cold water.
Take 2 Tbs. of Olive oil – sauté half of an onion and garlic. Once the onions are brown – add the fresh spinach.
Thaw 2 large chicken breast (skinless/boneless). Chop the chicken into very fine pieces (raw)

Take the noodle – Spread ricotta cheese on it
Spread the onion/garlic/spinach down the noodle
Evenly distribute the raw chicken
Roll noodle (layering the mixture)

Line pan with red sauce
Add noodle rolls
Pour red sauce on top
Place shredded mozzarella cheese on top
Dash basil on top
Cover with tin foil
Each roll is a perfect portion size ....accompanied with a small salad with vinaigrette dressing.
Cook 30-40 Minutes on 375

Mexican Rolls
You take the Whole-wheat lasagna 6-10 depending on the size of the pan your using. Cook only slightly (if you overcook they will fall apart). Drain and rinse in cold water.
Take 2 Tbs. of Olive oil – sauté an onion and read and green peppers.
Thaw 2 large chicken breast (skinless/boneless) Chop the chicken into very fine pieces (raw) – You could also use cooked ground hamburger.
Take small container of fat free cream cheese add taco seasoning

Take noodle spread the cream cheese
Spread the onion and peppers
Take chicken and spread on the noodle
Roll noodle (layering the mixture)

Line the pan with salsa or tomato sauce
Add noodles rolls to the pan. Pour 2 cans of undrained diced tomatoes
Cover with shredded Mexican cheese blend
Serve with sour cream and guacamole

Cook 30-40 Minutes on 375
If you use cooked hamburger – cook for 20min on 350

Philly Steak Rolls
You take the Whole-wheat lasagna 6-10 depending on the size of the pan your using. Cook only slightly (if you overcook they will fall apart). Drain and rinse in cold water.
Take 2 Tbs. of Olive oil – sauté an onion mushrooms.
Grill 1 piece of steak. Chop into very fine pieces (browned). You can also use shredded beef

Take noodle spread the Ricotta cheese
Spread the onion and mushrooms
Take steak and spread on the noodle
Roll noodle (layering the mixture)

Line pan with Alfredo Sauce
Add noodle rolls
Pour Alfredo sauce on top
Place shredded mozzarella cheese on top
Dash basil on top
Cover with tin foil

Cook 30-40 Minutes on 375

31

2008-04-17T17:18:00.002-05:00

OMG - when did I become OLD.....I think I qualify as an adult at this age (but I don't feel like it). Tomorrow, I have a personal trainning appointment, class, one hour of work and then I am going to do whatever....nap, get a pedicure- not sure. Michael and I are going to Brio for dinner. Saturday going out with friends that night and Sunday picnic to once again celebrate. I just wish the weather would remain like it is right now. I hear it will make a reappearance on Sunday.

Birthdays are just weird as you get older. You want to celebrate but at the same time... but only if no one mentions that you got older, are old or mentions your name (Warning to Emily).

Enjoy this beautiful weather... while it lasts - I am off to class...

On a lighter note...

2008-04-10T16:28:00.002-05:00

My sister is in town visiting the object of her affection at the moment. They've known each other since they were teenagers. They found each other again - and she's smitten. (her words not mine). This gentleman is from Pinckneyville which means in order to get her here - She has to fly into St. Louis. Which also means, I get to see her as she's traveling through.

I am excited to see her. I haven't had a chance to see her since June. They are both coming over for a night of dinner and good conversation. It will also give me a chance to meet this new "love of her life". Kelly is my youngest sister... she's so cute. And I am excited for her to see my house settled and spend some quality family time.

Anger and Grace Collide

2008-04-06T22:19:00.003-05:00

So ... many of you already know that our house was broken into on Thursday. Michael and I are both gone from the house on Thursdays from 8am to 8pm. As I was leaving my midterm on Thursday, I got a text from Michael. "Where's my laptop?" In utter confusion - I called him back immediately. His voice was filled with confusion and fear, something I have never heard before. As we started to talk, I could hear him roam around the house.... He tells me "Carin both the laptops are gone and all your jewelry. I know how they came in......"

And then his phone went dead, calling and calling him back with no ring tone... just straight to voicemail - I panicked and called 911. I phoned them to tell them that our house was burglarized and my husband might be in trouble. As I drove my 15 minutes more home - it felt like I couldn't drive fast enough. I cried out to God, "Lord, things can be replaced but please Lord, please - Let my husband be okay."

As I pulled into the drive, the first round of cops were already there. I came in dropped my bag and ran to Michael. He had come home but the thieves had not torn the house apart so he really didn't notice until he started looking for his computer. God's grace spared so much.... they didn't go into his "man cave" where we have another computer and all of his gaming systems, movies and games. They didn't go in the kitchen where my IPod was and our camera (with pictures I had not downloaded). They had come in through a window I had left unlocked - I was overcome with grief and sadness, and overwhelming guilt - I had let Michael down. And to add insult to injury... I had never signed the papers for our Renter's Insurance so none of this was covered.

What they took makes me sick: They took both laptops (one downstairs in the living room, and mine from my office ----mind you I had not backed up any of my work from Seminary nor any family pictures or journal entries I had written... I feel like Carrie in Sex in the City when her computer crashes and everyone asks "Did you back up?" and her response is .... "Who backs up?" You better believe I will be a back up queen after this. They went into our bedroom....and stole all my jewelry. They took my grandmother's rosary, my Nona's (grandma in Italian) watch. This is my only family heirloom from her. I had one tiny jewelry case that had a shirt on it so it was spared.....I have one of my 2 baby rings, my pearls from my father.... but I also lost my mother's engagement ring from my father, my wedding earnings,... and just a sense of safety. They stole only the movies sitting on top of our entertainment center... but they left behind Charlie Brown Christmas and VHS tapes of Star Wars. I am thankful for this since they left many finger prints behind at the expense of being picky.

The first round of cops left around 10:30 and we were told to wait for the Crime Scene Investigator to come and finger print and take pictures. She didn't arrive until after I called the police department, arriving at 1am. She took tons of finger prints all over the house and took pictures. She finally finished around 2am. And then.... we were left to clean up after her and all the black dust they use for fingerprinting. At that our evening was finished. We looked at each other knowing that we needed sleep but unable to feel safe in our own home, scared that they would come back. We checked all the doors and windows like 5 times (each) and then attempted to go to bed.

The next day, Michael encouraged me to maintain some sense of normalcy and go to my training appointment at the gym, he even went with me at 6am. We had taken the day off from work since it was Michael's birthday - Happy Birthday baby - wished it would have started on a better note.

Thanks to our friends, we were able to celebrate Michael's birthday with cake and pizza and Rock Band. We did catch ourselves surveying the house as we drove up the driveway looking for anything suspicious.

I know they are just things - I know they don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things. But I am mad. I want my files off my computer... they can keep the stinking machine. I just want my memories, my Sunday school lessons I wrote on Genesis, my journal entries after becoming a Christian, my childhood photos I had scanned in. My pictures of family events over the years, my wedding planning and every other detail of my life over the past 5 years. Oh, did I mention.... all my papers for school are gone.... it just makes me sick.

I wonder as they violated us, going from room to room taking what ever caught their eye, did they look at our wedding photos? Did they notice a bible in every room? (I have way to many bibles)? Did they see the scripture framed on our stairway as they came up and down our stairs to take our things? Why didn't my dog scare them off? Do they feel any remorse? What are they going through that this was an options? Now that they've been in once and know what we have, will they be back? Do they know how scared they made me feel in my own home? Will they notice the picture of Jesus on the cross dying for them as my screen saver? Will they read my files on Grace? on Salvation? On How God has saved me through struggles and fear through confusion and pain in my journals. Or will they disregard us - doing it only for a fix or a cheap thrill just to prove that they could take things from someone else.

I know I am suppose to love them, but I don't. I just want to ask them "Why US?" and in this time where I feel so violated I am wondering - where was God to protect us? Why didn't God stop them. I mean this is the same God from the OT that sucked people into the ground for lying right? And in my moment of doubt and fear and confusion, I know it could have been worse. God did spare many things. Our animals are fine, they didn't destroy our home, they left many valuable things....and the one thing they could never steal from us is Christ. We will still rejoice and pray that God's justice is done. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't praying that our stuff will be recovered - I am. But I know that even if they are not that,

1. My grandmother loved me, even if I don't have her watch that was willed to me.

2. My grandmother loved Jesus, because I once had her rosary

3. My photos are memories that God will allow me to see in day dreams and times of reminiscing with my family

4. My journals are known by God and I have seen His redemptive work since writing them.

5. The earrings I wore on my wedding day are still in photos.

6. My life is not things, and my true treasures cannot be stolen.

Thanks you for all your prayers, hugs and comfort. We appreciate all of you. We do pray for our stuff to be returned and justice to prevail but know that it's a long shot. I will be signing the papers for Renter's insurance tomorrow and Michael's brother (a cop) has given us a security system as our birthday gifts. Hopefully when those things are in place - we will be able to leave the house without spending 15 minutes checking and rechecking everything and breathe a little easier leaving the house.

Good News all Around

2008-03-30T19:16:00.002-05:00

So I wanted to share some good news with all (my faithful few) people who keep up to date with my blog.

I should have posted about this last week but ... now is better than never.
1. I am cancer free - my biopsy came back negative. This is a huge victory. I go back in July for another pap just to see if everything is still good. What my prayer is that the virus in my cervix which is causing all the trouble would be GONE!
2. I met with my trainer on Friday for our first full session. I have to weigh in before we get started. I had lost 2 lbs since Tuesday. Not a huge biggest loser moment but ... it's a huge start for me. So since my last doctor's appointment in Feb. I have lost and kept off 6 lbs. YEAH! These little victories are keeping me motivated. Who knows what this weeks weigh in has in store for me... I went to Crackle Barrel yesterday.... and although it was my only meal....I know it wasn't the best choice. I justified it by my hour at the gym today....don't think my trainer will see it that way since I was scolded for eating "1" donut.....mind you I picked up 2 dozen from Lamar's and had them sitting in front of me all day.. and I only ate one. That was a victory for me... she didn't see it that way.

Another week ...another struggle with food

I have a HUGE midterm this week. I am hoping I don't blow my diet.... since I tend to snack a lot when I study.

Moving in the right direction - Finally

2008-03-25T09:22:00.004-05:00

So today I started working out with a trainer. She and I will be meeting once a week for personally inflicted pain. Today was my first ...get to know you, let me tell you how bad you're off meeting. She told me that I have a "black girl bootie beginning"....Curved back w/ big butt term (it must be a technical trainer term - who knew?).

I know I have hired her, and she's there to help me but I felt judged by her during our session. I know it's only in my head - but I felt shame in working out with her. I know that I have done the hardest part - getting started. But, I some how felt weak in needing help. A topic I know I will explore in counseling this week.

But as for me, I'll be watching the Biggest Loser tonight and I will at the gym tomorrow.

How did....

2008-03-22T21:19:00.005-05:00

How did Easter go from this:

To this?

Somewhere between there and here.... we've lost sight of what Easter is all about. And the most appauling thing I've seen this season is .....Chocolate Jesus. It is so wrong, I just cringed when I saw it. Christ, during the Easter season should envoke: awe, greatfulness, rejoicing, thanksgiving... NOT hunger or a need to indulge in chocolate.

Happy Easter

2008-03-20T17:43:00.004-05:00

My good friend, Jen Martin - sent this to me and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Please click on the link below and have your sound on.

https://webmail.covenantseminary.edu/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/rapeasterbunny/rapeasterbunny.swf

Will I allow it to happen?

2008-03-18T21:07:00.005-05:00

I just finished watching my favorite show, The Biggest Loser. Every week I go through this struggle with all these people who are just like me. If I could only get a week with Jillian, I would count it as priceless. I am the contestants... I am just at home fighting for my life without trainers, nutritionist, cameras and 6 hours a day to work out.

My favorite contestant was voted out tonight, Brittany. When she returned her mother raved about her success and then said, "She had so much pain in her weight." And a light bulb went off....My weight is my pain. I always say my pain is for God's purpose. It's the whole reason I am pursuing youth ministry. All my mistakes, my horrible family life, the eating disorder, suicide attempts, abuse, it was all for God's purposes to help some girl out there who I can encourage and show her God's faithfulness through how He redeems us (with our mistakes). And now I have one more pain to get rid of. I don't know why I never felt that I wasn't worth it. But I haven't and I think today.... I am going to start believing that I am worth it. I want to prove my family wrong. I can be thin. I can be beautiful. I am lucky to have my husband (he's fabulous... and gorgeous) but I want people to say ... whoa, how did he get her? Instead of the other way around.

When I accepted Christ as our Savior, I gave him Lordship over our life. But for some reason I didn't think he need control over my weight - I thought that was up to me, my burden to bare. And I though I was a lost cause, so why try. I can throw every burden at Him, and He carries it for me. I think for once I am going to tap into His power and trust Him to help me become a new physical creation, since He's reconstructed my spiritual self.

I will not be the exception in my family - I will be thin - because I deserve to be healthy and happy. I have lived my life saying ... it's my dad's genetics and my sisters are built like my mom. Well, I can't do anything about losing my hair like my dad ... but I am sure as heck going to lose this weight regardless of who I take after. The only person who can get in the way of my success at this point is me. And I am sick of losing to my self.

Cat gone wild....

2008-03-17T21:59:00.005-05:00

So I realized in looking at my blog - I forgot to share with you what happend with my cat at the vet a week or so ago (overshaddowed by frustrating day). I am usually one of those proud pet parents who brags about my furkids. My dog is well behaved, loves the vet and is usually great with other dogs. I have referred to my cat as being more like a dog than a cat. He comes when he's called. The minute you come home he is waiting by the door. He is always giving you his belly to rub. He follows me around and will lay by me. And He loves company. You're thinking ... I don't like cats but maybe I'd like yours (I mean look at how cute he is in his picture to the left)..... yeah and then....

We went to the vet. I now know how those women in the grocery store feel as their child is having a knock down all out fit with zero control. And they just want to hide or leave the store as soon as possible. I have been a bad cat parent. I have had Leo for 2 years and since he's never had contact with any other cat or the outside world - I didn't feel a huge rush to take him to the vet. He's been increasingly interested in the outside - especially with the outside (stray) cats who have been spraying my back door. So .... with this crazy meowing .... at all hours of the night and his recent spraying (as to graffiti my door back to send a message to the cats outside), I have decided that it's time to loose his manhood and become a respectable cat.

Now remember ... My cat is the cool cat. Forgetting how tramatized my cat was when I put him in his carrier when I moved, I put him in his carrier hoping for the best. HE WAS FUMING MAD! He chilled out a little when we entered the vet. I think he was in a state of shock.

We get called into the room and I am starting to think this is not going to be fun or easy. The dog got weighed... fine needs to loose 5 lbs. The Vet tech takes Leo right out of his cage no problem.....this is weird. She weighs him and allows him to wander around the office until the doctor comes in to give him his shots. I don't know what happened in the 5 minutes after that but Leo FREAKED OUT..... I don't know if it was all the smells... or a message left on the wall in smells warning all other cats.... but the Doctor came in and Michael went to pick Leo up and HE FREAKED OUT.

Hissing and jumping at least 4 feet into the air.... I was like WHOA.....He became ninja kitty. The vet tech decided she was going to pick him up using a towel - not gloves as my husband (former vet school student) suggested to me would have protected her from what's about to happen. She proceeds to get Leo by the head.... a kitty head lock.... oh yeah... and Leo is more mad than before... he jumps (leaps backwards) out of the head lock and his anger is even more elevated. Now at this point I am sitting in the corner with Chewy, my dog, on a leash trying to calm him since he's getting really upset at the idea that there are 3 humans trying to torture his cat. He gets all jumpy and we're asked to leave....At this point I felt like a failure as a pet parent and that his behavior was a direct correlation to my pet owning skills. I start justifying his behavior to everyone, "He's not like this at home. I have never seen him react this way." Meanwhile, my husband is blocking the cat from hiding under things in the office, the vet tech still has her towel of captivity, and now the vet has went into the back to retreive the secret weapon.......... a Fishing Net. They were able to finally scoop Leo up into the net put him on the table get him his shots before SHOVING him into his carrier. Oh yeah, ...... in the process he bit the vet tech. Those gloves would have come in handy there. Now Leo has a mark on his permanent record [[[[[[WARNING: BAD TEMPERED CAT/ PROCEED WITH CAUTION]]]]] I felt so ashamed.

He's not like that at home is the only thing I could do, accompanied by "I am sorry" to everyone who worked there. The doctor decided that we would in fact not need another round of shots before his neuter and that they would just administer the shots while he was knocked out while the procedure was going on. I think that's best for all parties involved.

His manhood removal will be happening on the 27th at 7am and then carpets, walls and doors will be thoroughly cleaned. I hope everyone walks away from this with as little trama as possible.

So I have realized...

2008-03-14T17:06:00.002-05:00

Friends don't let friends post mad......I would like to say I am sorry if I offended anyone with my last post. I think I have lost (or never possessed) the ability to sugar coat things. This is a good thing but it can also cause me to look back and wish for do-overs. That said, I hope if nothing else you will be cheering me on as I go to the gym and attempt this mythical thing called "loosing weight."

New subject:
I would like to just take this opportunity to say that I have the best wedding photographer in the world! No fluff. Today, I got the great pleasure of sitting down with them to look at ordering photos from our wedding....(I know what you're thinking.... and yes - it's taken us 9 months to order our photos). They are so patient and so kind and AMAZINGLY creative. We were able to really think outside the box and get pictures I know I will love having on my walls for years to come. Thank you Bobbi Brinkman Photography. Thank you Bobbi and Tina!

Do you ever just get frustrated....

2008-03-11T21:09:00.003-05:00

I don't know even where to begin.....I have felt like all I do is fight for what I want and what is best for my family.... and I am getting sooooo tired.

Today I got the news that we have to PAY for taxes - Welcome to Married life here's a bill for $1,000. Congrats. Apparently I didn't take enough out on my W-2 last year... that's getting fixed immediately. I am just sitting here thinking how elated I was just a few days ago because our financial situation was finally looking up.

Then to add insult to injury I spent an hour on the phone with CHARTER. I don't know if I have ever felt so much anger in my WHOLE life as I did today. We choose to have cable I know what your thinking but Charter has arraged it in such a way that you get hooked by a great deal and 6 months later you raked over the coals..... I know it shouldn't matter but my frustration level is heightened when the person on the other end of the phone...rep and supervisor can't speak English. I know tons of people out of work.... why can't they have those jobs so I don't have to be on the phone for hours at a time just trying to bridge the communication barriers.... SO FRUSTRATED.

Then I have finally decided that I HAVE TO LOOSE WEIGHT! This is a big deal for me, for those who don't know. I have been the "big" girl for years. Before I was a Christian I blamed it on my excessive drinking.... now - I have no excuses. My body hurts because I am carrying so much extra weight. It doesn't help the fibro..... and when I told my Rheumatologist that I just hurt so badly- in a way that only a person with chronic pain will understand - he says... go work out. Man, skinny people always have the answer. Doesn't he know that I cry after I get off the treadmill - that it hurts to get past the back pain and shin splint and how when I don't sleep because I can't get comfortable because of the pain - I don' t feel motivated to work out at 6am.

So I have decided that I have to do something about this. I decided to look at some gyms and see what we could do. Now, with what I knew, we're getting ahead - we could finally afford for me to go. We went to Bally's - and after Saturday I was singing their praises. They said that there was a promotion if we signed up by Sunday - being that I was a former member back in the day - a year membership for me would be $99- and to add Michael it would be $18.50/ month. The sales/trainer guy even said that I could 2 months of training for $200-. I went back Sunday - again singing their praises and gave them $99, and wanting to sign on the dotted line for Michael. This was a savings of $15/month from his plan and I get to go too. They called me yesterday - my renewal had still not been processed and they didn't know if the promotion would be valid....

So tonight after 1 HOUR of going back and forth - they were telling me that I had paid $99 and Michael would have to pay A LOT more......are you Flipping KIDDING ME HERE. I don' t think they would have said that if they had known I as on the phone with Charter for an Hour. I was thinking, I'd walk in sign on the dotted line and go and work out. No - I am still in trainer-man's office hearing about how sorry he is but he's controlled by Corporate. I know better - I demand he call his district manager. It got worked out but not without a fight. He must not know the determination of a fat girl wanting a new body......He doesn't know how much I need this and if I could afford to be without an income I would beg and plead to be on "Biggest Loser." I am sick of being the Fat girl.....I had one summer in my whole life where I turned heads.....people saw me for the first time without shaking their heads or saying under their breath ...she'd be pretty if she'd just loose the weight. I am going to battle with the demon that has beat me down for years.... I am going to WAR. And my life depends on winning. And now... I have to find the strength to fight - I am tired today.... I feel like the bullies hit me one after the others... and all I could do was get in a few swings.

And in times like these .... "put your hope in Jesus" just isn't cutting it. I am just going to try and make it though another day.... and keep getting in a few swings at a time and hope that Jesus gives me the strength to do it.

Babies Everywhere

2008-03-05T23:12:00.003-06:00

It seems like lately all I hear about is babies....don't get me wrong babies are a blessing from God. But every day, I hear about another person either having a baby or being pregnant. It's enough to make anyone stop and take notice (and realize you don't have one).

Michael and I have not even been married 10 months. So no.... we are not having a baby any time soon. But I am hit with the reality that I will be 31 this year and Michael will be 33. All this baby excitement can go to my head, or should I say heart, more quickly than I would like. With all these new babies around, the benefit is that I can hold, snuggle, love, and spoil these children and then give them back.

We are going to be babysitting for the Fogas's on Saturday so I will be getting my baby fix and like I mentioned....then giving her back. One day we'll have our own and I have to be honest, I hoping it sooner than later. I am starting to get "baby fever" but then again - I don't like getting left out of all this excitment. One thing I know for sure, I have a deep desire and longing to be a mother. And one way or another, sooner or later - God will honor that desire IN HIS PERFECT TIMING.

Happy Birthday Mama

2008-02-25T16:55:00.001-06:00

Mom with her only grandchild... for a while.

Just wanted to wish my mom a Happy Birthday

Love you.

Ok... Now I can't sleep

2008-02-22T00:04:00.005-06:00

All I want to do is sleep... and guess what ... I can't. I think being sick, multiple medications and benadryl induced commas today are keeping me from getting the beauty sleep that will not cure what going on with my face (big red patch of Uck under my nose).

So I started thinking .... I wonder with all the bad weather, will that affect Michael being able to come home for the weekend. Here's some pics from Lambert Airport. Not promising but a Girl's gotta have Hope.

Please pray that Michael gets home safe. For his sanity and mine. I think I am going to try and sleep now. ....try being the operative word.

Good Friends are like a Good pair of Jeans... they just fit

2008-02-21T23:44:00.005-06:00

This past weekend, we celebrated with a wonderful couple at their wedding - Congrats Tim & Emily (pics to come). But because of this wedding, friends came in from all over. My friend Pam came in from Colorado. She was able to come over Friday night, while Michael was at the Bachelor Party with the guys.

Our time together is never rushed, uncomfortable and between the two of us... there is NEVER a loss for words. That Pammy and I, were talkers. Pam was the first woman at the church who I spoke to about anything real. She says that I prepared her for hardcore youth ministry. As a new believer - I WAS A MESS and brought that mess to Jesus and didn't really know what to do with that. Pam, in all her innocence, but with all her grace and mercy, listened and prayed and has seen God do an amazing transformation in me. All credit to God!

Pam has become that person who I can share so much with from silly stories of how my dress got caught in my pantie hose to what God is teaching us both. I love having a friend like her who gets as excited as I do about what the Lord is teaching her. We just went back and forth with amazement of the God we serve.

Pam's journey has led her to Colorado, where she is doing amazing things in ministry. She is reaching out to kids like me (when I was in high school). I love hearing the faithfulness of God and how He is working through her obedience and the call He's put on her life.

You really never know how much you miss having a friend like this around until they leave. I love you Pammy - You make my life more hopeful and you always point me in the right direction. Thanks

So you say there's Global Warming.....

2008-02-21T19:59:00.005-06:00

I am hit with laughter at the idea of global warming on a day like to day. This is the worst winter St. Louis has had in years. I have been in the mid-west my entire life and I cannot recall a winter with so much snow, sleet, or ice.

Today I got a text at 7am from Covenant Theological Seminary (my work and school) telling me we were closed due to incremental weather. Therefore, I have not left the house all day. I was not upset by this news since it gave me one more day to recover (which is moving very slowly). There is about, what seems to be from my dining room window view, .25" of solid ice covering my car. The joys of winter. I don't know if you know this about me but I HATE WINTER! If it were up to me we'd live in Arizona or near an ocean somewhere like California.

Benefits for warm weather areas:

1. Depending on where you live, limited humidity - good for this curly girl's hair

2. My body won't ache so much. Cold weather is not good for Fibromyalgia

3. I like sunshine

4. My ideal shoe preference would be flip flops all year round

5. I don't care about seasons. I have memories and that's all I need. Also, isn't that what road trips are for.

6. Digging in the sand is better than digging out your car from a snow/ice storm

7. Did I mention it's good for my hair.... big deal ...very big deal

8. Warm weather does not hold you hostage in your house because it's not safe to go anywhere.

9. I would imagine (not proven), people don't get as sick in warm places. If that's not true, don't tell me - I rather live in my dream world - don't burst my bubble.

10. No dry skin, No cracked lips, and I would have a reason to shave my legs.

OBGYN DOCTOR POST

I did not go to my appointment today. I like my OBGYN office way too much to risk infecting them with my disease. So we've rescheduled for March 21st. One more month....and hopefully I'll be able to breathe by then.

I bet they don't have winters like this in Australia!

(that ones for you Mama Jean)

I'll be the first to admit....

2008-02-20T18:04:00.010-06:00

I am a horrible sick person! I have been home in solitary confinement all day. I slept for two hour incriments from 10pm last night to 3:30 pm today. I have had a 102 degree fever all day. I am achy, drippy, sick of coughing, and overall miserable. I am on a heavy dosage of asprin and Mucinex. And did I mention that I've went through 3 boxes of tissues.

To make matters worse, Michael is gone on a business trip. I have no one to take care of me. Yeah I know what your thinking... I am pathetic. My house is trashed....I have no desire to clean when I am coughing up a lung. I also have no desire or the attention span to read for school when I should be... it's hard to read when all my nose does is drip the minute I put my head down to read.... annoying.

And so the Saga continues

2008-02-19T16:48:00.003-06:00

Thursday at 1pm I have another OBGYN appointment to have a biopsy of my cervix done, again. I am so sick of this.....I am ready for God to give me the victory in this...like yesterday. Please pray for me and my healing. I'll let you know the results.

Not Doing So Hot

2008-02-19T16:33:00.003-06:00

I started feeling sniffly on Sunday after my nap on Sunday.... it's progressed to a full blown cold. I hate feeling like I have someone sitting on my chest....it hurts to breathe. I have tried so hard not to get this - but .....I did not prevail.

So I am sick with no one to take care of me.... Michael is in Alabama...all week. Double Yuck.

And because I don't feel good - this is how I feel as I am suppose to be working until 5 but I've already mentally checked out.

I think I am just going to go home and sleep.... oh yeah - I forgot I have 300 pages to read. Sleeping will have to wait

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2008-02-14T14:22:00.001-06:00

Or for those of you who are single.... Happy Singles Awareness Day....

Breaking Free

2008-02-02T11:39:00.001-06:00

Only in Christ can we have true Freedom. Yet in our humaness we are held captive by our pasts, burdens, and fears. I feel for the first time God is opening my eyes to the victory He is giving me over the scars of my past. I am healing slowly but surely. I have hope for a new and different life, relationships, and being.

"My Chains are gone, I've been set free, My God my Savior has rescued me"
-Chris Tomlin

Chains can be familiar and even though the they are unlocked and we are free, we stay shackled to them because it is the only way we know. I pray that God gives me the strength to remove the bondage that keeps me from feeling true freedom in Christ and becoming who he wants me to be. I pray the same for you.

May my pain be used for His Purposes to further Glorify the name of Christ.

8 Months of Marriage... and what I've learned so far

2008-02-01T14:16:00.000-06:00

I cannot believe that I have been married for 8 months... geeze where does the time go. Well in seriousness and humor here is what I've learned in 8 months of marriage...

1. My love and appreciation for Michael grows every day.
2. I am able to disagree with him without it being a fight
3. He has a real desire to protect me
4. I need to stop getting in the way of him being able to "lead"
5. I look better tan...(looking at honeymoon photos)
6. Silence isn't always bad
7. We will never be on the same sleep cycle. But being tucked into bed isn't just for kids.
8. Even though I am in seminary, I learn a lot about God and His word from my husband's perspective.
9. Grace is needed daily
10. I don't say "I am sorry" or "thank you" enough
11. I don't have to rearrange the dishwasher to my likings after my husband has loaded it. I am learning to be thankful that he loads it.
12. I hate doing laundry even more now...and now I have twice as much
13. I am a lighter sleeper than I though I was.
14. Michael and I both need time with our friends
15. He makes me laugh harder than anyone
16. He makes me feel radiant, when I don't feel so hot.
17. Sacrifice isn't as hard as I thought it was, when I know it will make things better in the long run.
18. I can get by on not shopping every season... I do miss it though
19. God is faithful.
20. I need to listen more than I talk
21. Letting him drive, makes him feel better
22. We have to do things for the better of us, not what other would want.
23. It is nice to have a tall person in the house that can change light bulbs, kill bugs, and reach bowls and dishes out of my reach.
24. I miss having a queen size bed to myself.
25. Michael supports my education and me in ministry.
26. Cooking every night ... has caused me to gain more weight than i ever wanted. (+meds)
27. His hug can calm me down in seconds flat without even a word.
28. He's unfortunately the target of my bad day (sorry honey)
29. Forgiveness is the most important part of a marriage
30. Time and therapy heal all old wounds and allows for new beginnings and keeps us from becoming our parents.
31. I miss him when he's not around

New Computer...blogging again

2008-01-31T20:54:00.001-06:00

Our Christmas was spent at HOME.... it was glorious. It was the first year in 6 years that I haven't had to drive 10 hours both ways to Pittsburg. It was so nice to spend time with Michael family in Springfield, MO the weekend before Christmas. We left on Friday and were home on Sunday night.

Christmas Eve, We went to chuch. Then we went to eat dinner at Lone Star Steak house. We came home and watched Christmas movies. We both finished wrapping gifts and then went to bed. The next morning it was just us. We made cinnamon rolls, drank coffee and opened our gifts. It was so fun just the two of us. Shortly after cleaning up ....I started the feast. I started cooking at 9:30am for my Dad and step-mom's arrival. On the Menu:
1. Ham glazed in brown sugar and butter
2. Stuffing
3. Mashed Potatoes
4. Green beans
5. Cranberry sause
6. Salad
7. Rolls
8. Sweet Carrots

And Brenda brought the desserts. We gorged ourselves on food....gultany at its finest. It was nice just spending time with them and they left by 4:30 to go back to Pinckneyville. So Michael and I were back to being by ourselves. And did.... nothing. I had scheduled to go ice skating...but Michael opted to stay in and watch movies. Great First Christmas.... Here's some more pictures.

I've been using all my words in counseling.....

2008-01-31T10:07:00.000-06:00

I just wanted you all to know that I am still alive - just overwhelmed. I will have a computer up soon that I can load pictures on and then let the blogging begin again. Thanks for all the people who've checked on me...

News from the Rheumatolgist

2007-12-20T12:34:00.000-06:00

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It explains my many years of chronic pain, that in the past few years has become worse to the point that I cannot sleep. However, it does not explain why my cervical issues persist. One thing at a time, I guess. My doctor said that is from prolonged periods of high stress and anxiety, along with inconsistent exercise. This is me...! So I have been put on medicine that I will start taking tomorrow (didn't do it during finals because it makes you drowsy.) It will help my joint pain...help me sleep and also will give me the relief I need to endure working out again. Did I say..it will help me sleep - YEAH - more than 4 hours at a time will be great.

Here's some information for those of you who are not familiar w/ Fibromyalgia:

*Fibromyalgia is a physical condition that can also affect your mood. It is not "all in your head." However, like many people who have chronic pain, people with fibromyalgia are more likely to have depression and may require specific treatment for it.

*Stress and depression can often make fibromyalgia worse. Dealing with the symptoms of fibromyalgia can itself cause stress and depression. This cycle can become very frustrating.

*Fibromyalgia does not cause permanent damage to the muscles or joints. For some people, however, chronic pain does disrupt daily life and makes certain activities more difficult. Home treatment to control your pain and other symptoms may allow you to continue your usual activities.

*Most people can manage their symptoms with the help of their regular doctors. If necessary, seeing a doctor who specializes in treating conditions that affect the joints and muscles (rheumatologist) or a doctor who specializes in physical rehabilitation (physiatrist) may be helpful.

Snow, Snow and More Snow...and oh yeah.. Finals

2007-12-20T12:33:00.002-06:00

So it really snowed in St. Louis. More than I have seen since I was a kid and everything seemed big. Here are some photos of our fun in the snow. Seven Inches.....turning into 9 inches
Chewy...Digs his head into the snow like an ostreich.

Michael is just a big kid.

Shak'n it Covenant Style...Christmas Banquet

2007-12-20T12:33:00.001-06:00

Michael and I got the chance to go to the Covenant Christmas Banquet. Here are some pictures.

Michael and I

Isn't He cute...

Laura, Kristy and I....smiles all around.

Our First Christmas....

2007-12-20T12:32:00.000-06:00

Christmas is my FAVORITE season! I usually make my house look like christmas threw up in side. Every room has decorations. I love Christmas. So naturally the weekend after Thanksgiving, I was begging my husband to go get a tree.

I would have put up the fake tree I had for 4 years but my cat destroyed it last year. So this year, our first Christmas ....we were going to get a real tree. This I thought would be so fun as I remembered back to when I was 7 years old and went out with the whole family to find the perfect tree at the Tree Farm. We'd cut it down, bring it home and in my mind, it was always perfect.

Many of you might not know this but my husband is brilliant yet has the HARDEST time making decisions. I mean he can pick out a movie or his meal at a restaurant but we spent about an hour going back and forth trying to pick a tree in the FREEZING RAIN. This was not optimal tree picking weather. But gosh darn it ... Thanksgiving was over and I wanted my tree.

We found our tree, stuffing it into the back of my Ford Focus... of course it was hanging out the window... oh yeah ... remember it was raining...and cold and we had a the window down. I love my husband, because at this point he could have been really cranky but he was a trooper for me, because I LOVE Christmas.

We decided not to have them mount our tree in a tree stand. Why pay them $20 to do it when we are two capable college graduates? Its a tree stand... how hard can it be?......Famous last words. This became the decision we wished we could take back. It took us a good hour to get the tree in the stand and wiggling it and moving it to make it straight. I also didn't estimate the size so it took some time to find a place where it would fit and then have to rearrange the furniture so it would fit.....Our tree ended up in the dinning room.

Michael had a volleyball game that night. We started to decorating and I was going to demonstrate my tree decorating skills that I bragged about. I have Christmas music on.... pulling out all my old ornaments. Michael at this point was not so happy and full of the spirit as I would have liked but he did spend 1 hour wrestling the tree. Needles were all over the floor. I had imagined our first Christmas tree as such a joyous time... but it was something Michael was begrudingly participated in. Michael put the star up and then got ready for his volleyball game. ..........

I put the finishing touches on the tree and Michael left. I noticed the unstability of the tree as it was crashing to ground. I think the straw that brought the tree to the ground was the Star. I fell to the ground in a puddle of tears. Our first Christmas tree was in shambles on the ground, ornaments thrown about (some broken), and I didn't know if I could get it back up by myself. In utter frustration.... I threw the tree up, leaning it into the corner and I was Flaming MAD. I tried calling him as I was crying... but he was already playing and didn't answer. It was probably a good thing.

I gave up and picked up the ornaments and waited for Micahel to get home. Michael came home and saw how distraught I was and just laughed and patiently helped me get the tree back up. We really rigged this tree. We put weights on the back to keep it from tipping over and even put pieces of wood under it to see if we could even it out. We started to decorate again... Michael now in the mood I hoped be in when we first started this process. We laughed, told Christmas stories, and hung ornaments. We finished the tree. It had a "gangster lean" to it but it was up.

So we got it up.... got a do over for hanging the tree and survived. I think we're going to get a fake tree for next year though.....

I Know there is a lot I should blog about BUT....

2007-12-07T11:52:00.000-06:00

I have so much to blog on ... Mizzou loosing, Michael & I and our first christmas tree, our 6 month anniversary.... but I am feel led to blog about this FIRST....

MOVIE TRAILER HAS BEEN RELEASED

Coming to a Theater....May 30, 2008

http://movies.aol.com//movie/sex-and-the-city-2008/30247/video/trailer-no-1/2033774

Watch and Get EXCITED!

Praise...and Confession

2007-11-29T15:16:00.000-06:00

Hallelujah! Praise God from heaven, praise him from the mountaintops; Praise him, all you his angels, praise him, all you his warriors, Praise him, sun and moon, praise him, you morning stars; Praise him, high heaven, praise him, heavenly rain clouds; Praise, oh let them praise the name of God— he spoke the word, and there they were!

Psalms 148:1 (Msg.)

So ... I got the call from Green Tree Auto and Tire ......and it was only a clamp that broke from a hose.... $56.00 - PRAISE GOD. And ...Michael only minimally freaked out.

I confess humbly at the feet of my gracious Savior...He is always faithful when I am everything but faithful or even prayerful, thinking that things are beyond His control or out of His care. He cares for me and everything that I care for. I have a too frenquent tendancies to forget this... and in that I realize how much I am undeserving of the grace and mercy Jesus gives me through his sacrifice and not mine (which is always insufficient). My control freak tendancies get in the way of being a servant dependant on the FAITHFUL SAVIOR!

Carin and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2007-11-29T12:53:00.000-06:00

Alexander and I are both moving to Australia..... because cars don't break down in Australia
(EVERY MONTH)

All I can say is UGH!

and pray that the day is over sooner than later with minimal cost incurred...

How much do you think a ticket to Australia is?

By the way young or old - if you haven't read this book - it is a must read!

Words

2007-11-19T16:56:00.000-06:00

Where have my words gone?

I haven't posted in about 2-3 weeks. It is not that I have nothing to talk about - so much is going on but its mainly personal and I feel I will bore you with the details of my life while you are trying to live your life. I have tried to think of profound things, I mean I am in Seminary... but the words all seem ordinary. I think it's that I have lost the ability to actually name how I am feeling and what's really going on. I think its because I am not sure. Life has been a blur, its all of a sudden Monday and Friday in an instance. School is ... well it's the end of the semester - need I say more and the holidays are coming up which always conjures up a tornado of feelings.

This year will be a new way of thinking and being since I have to share my traditions, time, and space with an entirely new family (like having 3 sets of parents wasn't enough). It will not be as it always has been... it will be different and I am trying to find the joy and beauty in that but it's hard. However, I am excited about traditions Michael and I can start together. It's kind of like a family do-over I am finding out when you now have a family of my own (Michael and I but it's still a family). We've already decided to watch all our favorite Christmas Cartoons after Church on Christmas Eve and drink hot chocolate and just lay on the couch.

If you have any great things you did as a newlywed on your first Christmas - I'd love to hear them.

Joe VS The Volcano Kind of Day

2007-10-31T14:09:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like this at work?

I love my job but today is a Joe vs. the Volcano kind of day

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2007-10-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

This is Michael's creation...he worked 5 hours one this pumkin and I think he did an OUTSTANDING JOB... he has way more patience than I do.

Desi's Homecoming Party

2007-10-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

Since Desi left, I have been trying to get her home and it finally worked...but only for a moment. Thanks Desi for sharing your adventure with us. I love you and miss you and can't wait till you're home for Christmas.

Pictures I promised

2007-10-19T08:23:00.000-05:00

Pictures from Mizzou....

Pictures to Ponder.....

2007-10-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

I WILL BE SPENDING MY ENTIRE WEEKEND DOING HOMEWORK.

200 PAGES TO READ
1 RESEARCH PAPER (THAT I HAVE AN EXTENSION ON)
8 JOURNAL ENTRIES
RESEARCH ARTICLE FOR ANOTHER CLASS
GROUP PROJECT MEETING

Can I just graduate soon....? I am tired.

It couldn't have been any SWEETER!

2007-10-08T11:06:00.000-05:00

vs
The weekend was great! The game was AMAZING. I will post more but for now...for those who missed the game, here's some highlights.

Going back to the scene of the crime(s)

2007-10-05T11:51:00.001-05:00

Michael and I both graduated from Mizzou... however we went to two DIFFERENT schools. My consisted of happy hours and Frat parties while he made the deans list and played in intermural sports. Two people, on the same campus with complete polar opposite experiences.

This weekend we're going back! Mizzou is playing Nebraska and we're going to visit a student who was involved in our youth ministry. We are so excited to go back! I have to admit though... I am a little nervous... there's a lot of skeletons in the closet in Columbia and I am hoping that I am able to keep them in the closet. I will be showing Michael around to MY MIZZOU. We're visiting the restaurant I worked at for 4 year in college, The Pasta Factory (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) and that's saying something since I did work there. After that , were going to a few establishments like Harpo's and maybe even Deja Vu but I definitely will be going by Trops. Oh... the memories.

Saturday is a little different than we expected....the game was moved from 1pm to 8:15pm so I am hoping to go around campus, go by Booches for some burgers and just take in Columbia. But
MIZZOU-RAH!!!!!!! Full update when we get back!

Things they are a Changing......

2007-10-04T11:42:00.000-05:00

At my doctor's visit on Monday, my doctor asked that I get a blood test to check for HIV and ANA (Antinuclear Antibodies). I am negative for HIV but positive for ANA. People who test positive for ANA have problems producing good antibodies that produce what the body needs to heal. She has told me that I have to follow up with a Rheumatologist. I am just sick of Doctors. I am sick of being of being sick. I am scared that this could be an indicator of me having Lupus, diabetes, or an autoimmune disease that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I am frustrated that all I want to do is start my life and enjoy being married and start planning for the future but I feel like I can't because all of this is getting in the way.

In a positive light – I am hoping that this might be the missing link to giving me answers to how to get rid of the HPV and stay healthier. I have decided that God is giving me a wake up call and I need to out of Youth ministry for a while – for my health. It is time to take a break and take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am hoping the time I have not going to youth group and meetings, etc. will give me less stress (good for my body), allow me to get more rest, and give me time for things like working out and extra time for studying. I told my youth pastor last night and my kids. I have talked to Michael and we think it is best to fulfill my commitment w/ our 40 days of community program. It lasts until the 24th. So that Wednesday will be my last youth group for a while. I am scared of letting the kids down, of creating staffing problems where they won't have enough people to stay in their home groups and I will miss them. It is not easy making this decision but I can't do ministry when I am able to care for myself.

I am trying to remember that when you follow Jesus - Truly follow him - his path will lead me to the Cross.

Too Much HGTV has finally paid off!

2007-09-29T23:53:00.000-05:00

So ... since getting cable - due to the amount of crap on television...I watch a lot of home shows. I have learned a lot from everything from Curb Appeal to redesigning your house with only moving around furniture and add some paint.

Friday night, while I was suppose to be studying - I came up w/ the idea to rearrage my living room. It was really cramped and not very welcoming to having any more than 2 people over. Well since we are renting we can't do much w/ the space issue but Michael and I were able to move it around so there is a better flow to the room and we even able to decorate the walls better - it just fit better.

We are so happy and now we have one more thing to justify our spurge on cable. Thank you HGTV

I feel a sense of "healthy" pride

2007-09-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

Today I was able to get to the end of the month for the first time since being married, and we have extra money. I feel a sense of pride that I have been able to pinch pennies enough and has paid off. We are almost credit card debt free. I finally feel like we are getting things to be manageable and organized.

Praise God for curbing my impulse buying and giving me self-control.

My Best Friends Are Back ... TONIGHT!

2007-09-27T12:36:00.001-05:00

Grey's is BACK - YYYYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

Last season left me with so many questions:

Did Meredith and Dr. McDreamy (Derrick) really break up?
Who will be friends with Callie now that Addison has left to go stink it up on her new show?
Where is Miranda going, who will she teach now that Callie took her job?
Will George ever let himself love Izzy?
Will Ava come back for Alex or will he go after her?
Is George and Callie actually going to have a baby?
Are Chief and his wife getting back together?
Who will be Dr. McDreamy's choice for "the girl he met in the bar" Meredith or her sister?
Will Cristina find Burke - and since she probably won't since he got FIRED...will her and Meredith sit in self pity for the first part of the season... geeze.
Oh, what will happen to Dr. McSteamy - will he and Meredith get together if she and Derrick did break up?

So many questions ... all to be answered hopefully tonight! I am excited for the "water cooler" talk tomorrow discussing what happened with all our friends.

I GOT WOKEN UP at 2:54 AM

2007-09-20T14:09:00.000-05:00

I was woken up by my cat, Leo..... who was doing this to me at almost 3 in the morning to get me out of bed to feed him... he has no patience!

Being that I was asleep - I kind of threw him off the bed twice. He kept coming back until I gave in.